Sonam Kapoor – The Metrognome

Some major learnings, none of them pleasant. Here’s a list of 5 top reasons we’re ditching this show’s next season.

by The Editors | editor@themetrognome.in

We all love a good dose of gossip, especially about celebrities. And what could be better than celebrities bitching about other celebrities? On the face of it, Karan Johar has a good formula on his hands – he invites the biggest names from the Hindi film industry to the show, he sometimes asks them about their love lives point blank, he laughs at himself and is generally a friendly presence.

And yet…Koffee With Karan Season 4 was an extremely shallow, bordering-on-pathetic attempt to make our desi stars appear more glamorous and more intelligent than they already are (not). If Karan was hoping to make a better impression this time around and lay the groundwork for the show’s next instalment, we are sorry to say that this season has been terrible, and during the father and daughter Kapoor’s last episode, we nearly stabbed ourselves in the eyes with a blunt pencil.

If this show comes up with Season 5, and it will, we are going on vacation and coming back only when the show’s over. Here’s why:

1. Karan Johar is homophobic.

We don’t know about you, but Karan gave us a headache in every single episode with his ‘At gunpoint, if you had to have a gay encounter…’ question. At gun point? What’s so gun point about having a gay encounter? Then he thought it was very funny that Aditya Roy Kapur ‘admitted’ to a gay relationship with Ranbir Kapoor. What’s more, the question and the resulting giggles indicated that Karan, and his guests, wanted us to think that everybody in the room was straight.

Next time, Karan, if you must start a question with ‘At gun point…’, consider these endings:

– Which of my films would you watch on loop for a week?

– Tell me, what do you really think of the coffee hamper?

– Tell me, why does nobody remember the name of the dog in Hum Aapke Hain Koun?

2. The dumbest guests always make it to the show.

A case in point is Sonam Kapoor, who took top spot this season from such worthies as Alia Bhatt (“My GK is bad!”) and Anushka Sharma, whose only response to any question about Virat Kohli was a giggly “Shut up, Karan!” Not only were Sonam’s views on ‘art films’ and ‘not good-looking people are not necessarily good actors’ astonishing beyond anything else we’ve heard this year, she kept peppering each sentence with the word ‘like’. Like, every four words, she would say ‘like’.

And then, like, she said, “Robert deNiro!” to the question, ‘Who said, ‘An eye for an eye makes the world blind?’ Like, really, Sonam. Did you leave your brains in your other fashionista suit?

3. Karan invites very boring guests with nothing to say.

For all its so-called ‘fun and candid’ quotient, our celebrities are remarkably boring on the show. Most of the guests this season made us yawn with their responses to questions – we’re not saying the likes of Aamir Khan and Madhuri Dixit are boring people, they probably get like that for Karan. The only exception to this parade of yawn-worthy guests was Salman Khan, who was merely an ass. What’s more, the show does not invite anyone outside of Mr Johar’s immediate clique – why not invite Kangana Ranaut, Richa Chadha, Huma Quraishi, Randeep Hooda, to name a few? Maybe they’re too intelligent for this show.

4. The coffee hamper is getting increasingly tacky.

What was that thing, really? We swear that picnic basket thingy is so tacky, if it met Sonam Kapoor in a dark alley, she would first have hysterics and then comment on how ‘not good looking hampers are not necessarily good hampers’.

And why do Karan’s guests pretend to fall all over themselves for the chance to win it? More to the point, what is in it? Why are the contents so secret? We’re dying to get our hands on the hamper, so that we can set fire to it.

5. This show is a cesspool of lies.

So. Many. Lies. On. One. Show. Either these people really believe their own deluded statements or they think viewers are nuts. The following is just a small list:

What they said	What they meant
“I never read gossip magazines or papers.”	I gloat over gossip written about others.
“We’ve never been friends, but we’ve always been cordial to each other when we meet.”	Except for the times when I look through her/him, which is always.
“I don’t have any enemies in the industry.”	Only frenemies, because I’m a bitch that way.
“I’m not insecure. There’s place for everyone.”	I will do whatever it takes to sabotage my rivals’ projects.
“He’s never given me a reason to not trust him. We love each other too much to cheat.”	So what if I caught him 12768 times? At the end of the day, he always comes back to me, like a homing pigeon.
“Finally winning this hamper is a monkey off my back.”	Only a monkey on crack would actually want to win that thing.
“I didn’t marry a hero because I was not interested.”	Also because the hero I was seeing then suddenly got himself arrested. What a bummer.

(Pictures courtesy www.india-forums.com, www.in.com, www.indiatimes.com, idiva.com)

What did you think of Koffee With Karan, Season 4? Tell us in the comments section below.

Banning films is our new pastime

If we’re banning films anyway, can the State ban films that hurt our intelligence, several of which release this year?

by M@themetrognome.in

This has been some week for the film fraternity. SRK’s ‘victimised’ (or not) statement created quite a stir and a ban on Kamal Haasan’s Vishwaroopam proved how flat the fraternity falls in a face-off with the State. But Vishwaroopam is not the first film to go perilously close to getting the axe. Many films in the past have been ‘modified’ to suit the sensibilities of a few people who find some material in it ‘objectionable’. Some films like Anurag Kashyap’s Paanch are still in the cans due to this.

Even Hollywood is not spared. Remember how David Fincher gave the Indian Censor Board the finger when he was asked to remove three scenes from The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, that were apparently gore and sexual in nature? People who managed to get a bootlegged copy of the film and have seen it, will tell you how important the ‘unsuitable’ scenes are to the plot of the film. Similarly, The Da Vinci Code was banned in States like Goa, Andhra Pradesh and Nagaland because of its controversial plot revolving around the manifestos for Christianity.

In Malaysia, Mel Gibson’s The Passion of the Christ was banned only for Muslims, while the film was deemed suitable for Christian and Buddhist audiences. The film had the potential to create unrest amongst Muslims, thus the unusual ban. In retrospect, it seemed like a wise decision – it makes sense to not watch it if you don’t like it. But now, the Malaysian Government has failed to do the same for Vishwaroopam; the film was removed from theatres just a day after its release.

If banning films in the name of religion irks you, then this would definitely make you furious. In 1917, Birth Control, a film on family planning was banned in the United States of America in the interest of ‘morality, decency, public safety and welfare.’ The only reason one can let this pass is the year of the ban, when a not-so-modern America upheld a stereotypical image of the real woman and her moral values. Maybe a hundred years from now, even we will stop banning films for unjustifiable reasons.

But, can a ban really make the filmmaker bankrupt? The answer is ‘yes’ and ‘no’. Hollywood film that don’t get a release in a few foreign countries are seldom affected. They recover their costs on the home turf. But Indian movies banned in Indian states take a severe hit at the box office. Indian films are specifically made keeping the Indian (sometimes regional) audiences in mind. While some movies do extremely well with the Indian diaspora overseas, most of the moolah is generated at home. The ban on Vishwaroopam can cost Mr Haasan a whopping Rs 95 crore, by trade estimates.

Instead, there should be a ban on Non-Entertaining Films. These are movies that serve no purpose whatsoever, and require the viewer to keep his brains in the freezer before watching them. Like the No.1 series of Govinda – Aunty No.1, Anari No.1, Beti No.1 etc. These movies impair one’s judgement to the extent that one spends his hard-earned money to watch a grown-up man behave like a monkey. Maybe in the future, the Censor Board or the State can do the people a huge service by banning films that should have never be released.

Just to make the task easy for the Censor Board, here are a few upcoming films in 2013 that are very suitable for imposing a ban on:

Rangrezz. It stars Jackky Bhagnani. Censor Board, there’s your reason.

Zanjeer remake – The Classics should be sacrosanct and not allowed to be re-made, especially if Apoorva Lakhia is directing them.

Mere Dad Ki Maruti – Really? There is a big brand in the title. YRF has already recovered its production costs, so this one doesn’t need any box office collections.

Raanjhnaa – Sonam Kapoor cannot act. Period. Remember Mausam, with its riots, wars and 9/11? Sonam was worse than all these disasters combined.

These films (and more are coming up this year) are a bigger threat to the nation and hurt sentiments across religion. They should be banned purely on the grounds of offending the religion of Sanity. If the Censor Board fails to be the do-gooder, then maybe it’s time we take the matter in our own hands. Let’s impose our own ban on crappy films, by not watching them on the big screen and forcing distributors to take them down. It’s a thought fit for a utopian world, but hopefully we’ll get there soon.

M is a media professional with an eye on entertainment.

(Picture courtesy ndtv.com)