Tag: kareena kapoor

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M

Naach na jaane

Most Bollywood actors can’t dance. Meanwhile, the girls are dancing their way into roles that require little else from them.
by M | M@themetrognome.in

Bollywood is synonymous with naach gaana. It is what defines Hindi cinema, and when done in foreign locales with local residents gaping in astonishment, it truly embarrasses us (the audience, not the filmmakers). In recent times, the gaana bit (read ‘lyrics’) has been reduced to a mockery, with popular numbers having words like ‘Po, Po’ (pronounced ‘Paw, Paw’) in them. Meanwhile, the naach hasn’t been doing too well, either.

Choreographer Remo D’Souza’s upcoming flim ABCD promises some good dance moves, at least in the trailers. Which makes me wonder: in a country of dancers, why has it taken so long for anyone to make a good dance film?

If Judson Laipply (of the The Evolution of Dance stand up act) were to do a piece on Bollywood dance, it would be called the Degradation of Bollywood Dance. And why not? In this particular sphere, comedians around the world have so much material to choose from. From Salman’s inexplicable moves to Sanjay Dutt’s (supposed) pelvic thrusts, there’s enough and more to make one shut their eyes and never watch another Hindi film ever.

I was astounded at the dance steps assigned to a certain Ms Sharma in her last release, Matru Ki Bijlee Ka Mandola, which required a vigorous butt jiggle. I was even more astounded when the same steps were re-assigned to Pankaj Kapur. Anybody else in his place, veteran actor or not, would have been reduced to a caricature of himself with that dance, but to his credit, he can dance.

Which brings me to the many actors in the industry who hate to dance. I understand that they hate it, what I don’t get is that they make no effort to learn dancing while being in a profession that requires them to move their feet. Some specimens that belong to this category are Ajay Devgn, Himesh Reshamiya and Saif Ali Khan and more. This bunch was highly active last year, and there will be a reprise in the near future.

The other interesting category of actors are the once who could dance, once upon a time, but now can’t dance to save their lives. Some of them are now too beefy or too old to do anything more than a cursory hip shake. Salman Khan is the King of this club. It is painful to watch him dance these days. Equally painful to watch is Sanjubaba. He was no match for Madhuri in ‘Tamma Tamma’ (Thanedar), but he didn’t have two left feet back then. Salman in Dabangg  with his ridiculous moves involving the belt is beyond rubbish. His attempts to keep up with the lissom Katrina Kaif in Ek Tha Tiger were actually funny.

Fortunately, the actresses these days can shake a leg. Well, they have to, or they wouldn’t qualify for several roles if they didn’t know how to move that waist and look pretty while doing so. But I won’t lay blame only on the actors; choreographers need to work harder, too. Kareena Kapoor’s latest item number ‘Fevicol Se’ in Dabangg 2 was a disaster. Farah Khan is one of the few dance directors who has consistently delivered. Among the men, Prabhudeva is reliable. We’ll see him soon in ABCD. But can he save the last (good) dance for Bollywood?

Sharp as a tack and sitting on more hot scoops than she knows what to do with, M is a media professional with an eye on entertainment.

(Picture courtesy fillum.com)

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Film

May the best of the worst win

The Bollywood Razzies are here. In a year when Bollywood produced piles of rubbish, it’s tough to pick a winner.
by M | M@themetrognome.in

Have you heard of the The Ghanta and the Golden Kela? Before you call the moral police, let me clarify. These are the names of awards especially created for Bollywood. The Ghanta and Golden Kela Awards are the Indian counterparts of the Razzies (for Hollywood). Both the awards are independent and not related to each other. It doesn’t matter who gives them away or if the winners have the b**ls to collect them; what matters is that these awards symbolise the awakening of the janata and that Bollywood can no longer bullsh*t the audience without being b**chslapped in return.

The Ghanta Awards are in their third year and the Golden Kelas are a little older at five. Both are very popular on social media and they encourage users to vote online. 2012 was one of the most creatively-challenged years for Bollywood, hence there is plenty to trash this time. But before I cast my precious vote to elect the best of the worst, let’s review the various categories and nominees in each award.

Worst Actor 2012

Akshay Kumar is a clear winner with four straight flops: Housefull 2, Rowdy Rathore, Joker and Khiladi 786. Ajay Devgn comes a close second with Son of Sardaar and Bol Bachchan in both the Awards. Surprisingly, Salman Khan only features in The Ghanta Awards list for Ek Tha Tiger and Dabangg 2. Kat got your tongue, Golden Kela?

Worst Actress 2012

Sonakshi Sinha for Rowdy Rathore, Joker, Son of Sardaar and Dabangg 2; basically everything she did. Katrina Kaif, Deepika, Bipasha, Priyanka Chopra are the rest of the nominations. Everyone, except for Kareena Kapoor, has made it to the lists this year.

 

Worst Film 2012

Oh, this one is tough. There are just five options for the Ghantas and six for Golden Kelas in the worst films category, but they could very well expand their list to include more from the pile of garbage Bollywood produced last year. I like Golden Kela’s list better. They’ve got the crapfest full on with Housefull 2, Son of Sardaar, Khiladi 786, Dabangg 2, Jab Tak Hai Jaan and Joker. All these films were headache-inducting tortures that took away 80 minutes of the audience’s lives. The Ghantas have Student of the Year on its list, but I think the audience deserves a special award for having sat through this film and lived to tell the tale.

Worst Director 2012

Let’s give Shirish Kunder a lifetime pass for the Worst Director Award in both these awards, along with free home delivery. The Golden Kela has Arbaaz Khan vying for this spot for Dabangg 2. Maybe it’s time Arbaazbhai renounces the world and goes back to his planet. Whenever he does go, he should also take Vikram Bhatt (Raaz 3, Dangerous Ishq) along.

Worst Song 2012

Wikipedia should catalogue this into a series. Even this year, as always, Bollywood will make a generous contribution to this. A special volume should be dedicated to our nasal champion Himeshbhai. All the songs of Khiladi 786 have the magical quality of inducing violent behaviour, enough to start a prison riot. *chops own ears off*

Worst Sequel 2012

Jannat, Raaz, Jism, Housefull and Dabaang should jointly accept the award and officially STOP MAKING ANY MORE SEQUELS! The end has no end. The Dabaang prequel will haunt us soon. *shudder*

Both the awards have other unusual and interesting categories, such as:

Golden Kela Awards:

– Most Atrocious Lyric Awards. My pick is ‘Po Po Po’ from Son of Sardaar.

– Why Are You Still Trying Award – For people like Jackie Bhagnani. “Jackie, who?” you ask. Sigh, never mind.

– Baawra Ho Gaya Hai Kya Award – And the winner is, the Indian audience for spending money on a ride to hell and back with this slushpile.

and the Ghanta Awards:

– Worst Rip-Off/Remake – Barfi!

– Worst Couple – Abhishek Bachchan with anyone, even a log of wood.

– WTF Was That – That one time where you almost threw your shoes at the screen, then remembered you were wearing Osho chappals, so you just closed your eyes instead.

– That’s Anything But Sexy – Tough one again, but nothing can beat the awful dance steps in the ‘Cheeni’ song from Department. Unfortunately, it doesn’t feature on the list.

But are these awards really an eye-opener for for our filmmakers? Will they stop and think about the trash they are serving the audience? I don’t think so. Maybe we need some kind of penalty, where the audience is entitled to a refund for a bad film. This will surely make them behave themselves in future.

Voting for both the awards is now open. You can log on to http://theghantas.com/vote/login.php and  http://goldenkela.com/voting/vote.php

Sharp as a tack and sitting on more hot scoops than she knows what to do with, M is a media professional with an eye on entertainment.

(Pictures courtesy galleryoneindia.in, wikimedia.org, hindi.way2movies.com)

Categories
Patrakar types

Who’re you calling fat?

Rolls of fat all along the abdomen and jiggly arms – is this your definition of a curvy Indian woman? So really thin is healthy, I suppose?
by Vrushali Lad | vrushali@themetrognome.in

I am seriously annoyed when women at the gym call me thin. This is not false modesty. I am genuinely irritated when I get called thin. Because that observation is generally followed by this statement I am still not able to understand – “Why do you need to exercise? You are so thin!”

And this pronouncement is followed by a quick, sad little look at their bulging abs and/or thunder thighs.

I am not thin. I am underweight. I am 33 years old and I weigh lower than I used to when I was in college. But people think that because I have a thin waist and because my jeans sit loosely on me, I don’t need to exercise. So why do I need to exercise? Because there’s a history of diabetes in the family. At the wrong side of 30, I don’t want to develop cardiac disease, or have painful joints, or something worse. But there is still the problem of being underweight.

Then there is the other extreme comment, generally from women who are overweight but who possess some insane confidence that makes them think that they are not fat, but curvy. They talk of Vidya Balan and Beyonce. Sometimes, in some dim moment of despair, they think they should lose a little weight. But mostly, they seek consolation from pictures of pudgy celebrities, who openly declare that they celebrate their curves, and that they would never go under the knife because they love their bodies, blah blah blah.

Hey, please love your body, wobbly bits and all. Also love it if you’re eating as much as you should, but you’re still rail thin. But do something about that extra fat you’re carting around, and don’t pretend to love it. There’s nothing to love about something that gives you cardiac problems, that puts you on the path to diabetes, that makes you heavier on your knees than you should be. And there is nothing sexy about carrying fat around, just like there is nothing remotely beautiful about being bones in a skirt.

After a recent interview that a now-rotund Vidya Balan gave to an entertainment paper, about how ‘Fat is sexy’ (she can get away with saying that, she has a National Award backing her sentiment) and which Kareena Kapoor rebutted two days later with the bitchy comment, “There’s nothing sexy about being fat. Anybody who says so is just lying,” I saw pictures of Vidya in the same paper yesterday. Lying or not, Vidya Balan is the poster girl for the wrong kind of pudginess – why are we celebrating a woman who is simply bursting out of her backless sari blouses? Is it just me, or does anyone else think that she is deliberately not changing out of her saris – is there another dress option for her left? I’m not saying she would look ugly in a dress or a pair of trousers – I am just saying that that is probably what she herself thinks.

I don’t think fat is ugly. I think skinny is ugly. But there’s a need to choose the right role model for your body type. And what’s more, whether you choose Vidya or Kate Moss, you still need to exercise and eat right. That’s what I’m doing. Because underweight is just as dangerous as overweight.

Vrushali Lad is a freelance reporter who has spent several years pitching story ideas to reluctant editors. Once, she even got hired while doing so.  

(Picture courtesy www.healthmeup.com)

 

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M

The marriage curse

The most successful Bolly actresses have lost their equity and brand value post-marriage. Will just-married Kareena Kapoor break this stereotype?
by M | M@themetrognome.in

Like in the rest of India, Tuesday afternoon’s lunch conversation revolved around Saif Ali Khan and Kareena Kapoor’s much-hyped marriage. I think by now, everyone is abreast of the most trivial details of this two-day event. A casual comment from a colleague triggered a thought; his comment was: “How can Kareena get married now? She is currently at the top, but now her market will go down.”

Apart from fuming at the word ‘market’, I was intrigued by the fact that despite living in a world where a 94-year-old man can become a father without being frowned upon, a 32-year-old woman cannot get married and still have a career. The age-old perception that married actresses don’t work at the box-office is still rock-solid in the Indian mindset. And even in Bollywood.

Great actresses from the past have been treated like sore corns post their marriage, and stereotyped in roles fit for elderly women. Usually, the public assumes the actress will completely quit or take a sabbatical from showbiz. Some of them do return to the big screen, but instead of talking about their performance or their talent, the marketing is focused on positioning it as a post-marriage comeback.

This really makes me think: are women, especially in India, truly free? Our patriarchal society cannot help but enforce its rigid belief system on Bollywood as well. The next few lines of this column might sound crude, but what is being practiced around us is even worse. For years now, our society has propagated the importance of marring a virgin, who is clean of committing moral sins. This is exactly the reason why married actresses are not accepted in Bollywood.

The men in society cannot fantasise about a woman who is not a virgin. The lusty siren on the big screen that makes them drool, once married, will belong only to her husband. It’s not that men don’t lech at or have sexual fantasies about married woman, of course they do; but they can’t openly accept this in society. Therefore, the actress will still be imagined seducing them when required; but once married, she will not be a good actress any more. In a lighter vein, they must think that the actress loses her talent along with her virginity.

Unfortunately, it’s not just the audience that holds on to these views, there are men within the industry who share the same hatred for married actresses.  Most producers will not risk their high budget projects, and so you will hardly ever see a married actress in a big banner production. Yes, there are exceptions like Kajol, who has managed a successful comeback, but sustaining it will be a challenge. A respected producer in the industry once expressed his thoughts on the same subject. He said, “Married women remind us of our mothers and we cannot expect the audience to like their mothers romancing the hero in the film.”

I feel sorry for actresses who utterly and completely devote their lives to cinema and who live under constant fear of being forced to retire once they settle down and have a family. Ironically, having a family at a decent age is again enforced by the society, and women who don’t abide by this rule are termed rebels or are assumed unfit to find a suitor.

This could explain why a Madhuri Dixit or a Juhi Chawla are left to do television shows, while the Katrina Kaifs of this world rule the roost in Bollywood. This also explains why our actresses can’t have a family along with a healthy career even at the age of 40, but our heroes, who are wrecks at 50 years of age can romance nubile 20-year-olds.

Nobody raised a brow when Aamir Khan or SRK made their debut in Bollywood after their marriage. But has there been a single instance where the actress made a debut post her marriage, and went on to have a successful innings? Not in Bollywood. This could be a distant dream, but for now can we just accept our actresses to be married and still bedazzle us with their performances?

I say, let’s give Kareena a chance. I hope her marriage and subsequent career would be the much-needed breakthrough for other women in the industry.

(Picture courtesy: www.movies.ndtv.com) 

 

 

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Watch

The ‘Talaash’ trailer

Aamir Khan always hugs his projects close to his chest (and probably locks them in his bank vault before release). So it’s nice to see a trailer that actually makes the wait for his next film slightly worthwhile

by The Diarist/ thediarist@themetrognome.in

At the very start, let us say that we liked this promo. No, it’s not a very slick one or anything, but it gives away just enough to hook you.

 

It was also nice to know that Aamir plays a not-so-young (or scrupulous) cop in this one, though we still think he’s a little tiny to convincingly look the part. Also, his moustache enters the room before he does. However, this film seems to be a crime thriller, or at least a serious police drama, so we’re guessing that these obvious anomalies will be forgotten a few minutes into the storytelling.

A film actor’s speeding car crashes into the sea, and obviously, by the time the car is fished out, the man is dead. But is this really an accident? Meanwhile, there are other characters in the background – call girl/escort Rosy (played by Kareena Kapoor, hinting that she can help with the case and then canoodling with the inspector in a hotel room), the inspector’s wife (Rani Mukerji in seen-before victim mould. She plays the wronged wife, from what we gather) and Nawazuddin Siddiqui, who obviously knows something about the case.

We are still a wee bit apprehensive about booking tickets for this film when it releases on November 13, because director Reema Kagti’s first outing, Honeymoon Travels Pvt. Ltd., is a film we still haven’t understood. Of course, Aamir would weed out any ambiguities or elements that displease him in the film, so we’re betting on his sense (read: constant butting into every aspect of the film’s creation) to take this one home safe.

May we add that after the blitzkrieg of Heroine’s promotions, we were thoroughly sick of seeing Kareena’s face, albeit for a few moments only. A similar hailstorm of promotions was not planned around Aiyya, so Rani Mukerji still engaged us. Aamir did not really engage, but at least he’ll have worked hard on the role. What we want to see is Nawaz playing a strong character, on par with Aamir’s (yes, surely we jest) and how his role plays out in the face of all the others.

All in all, we’ll go watch this one with a little trepidation. We hope we won’t be disappointed.

The Diarist is a film junkie, and if you’re reading this, chances are you are too. If you’ve noticed a  new promo or film worth checking out, write to The Diarist at thediarist@themetrognome.in.

 

 

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