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A half-done Chutney

Do you like unfunny jokes and stereotypical ‘humour’ in your songs? You will love Vir Das and the Alien Chutney.
by M | M@themetrognome.in

How do you know if people have been to the NH7 weekender? They will tell you that they watched Vir Das and the Alien Chutney perform on Sunday, not an act they’d be able to see in the normal course of their lives.

Vir Das and the Alien Chutney is India’s first comedy rock band with a punch line that says ‘Romedy Cocks!’ (I am not making this up) The band has been active for over a year now, performing live at various gigs across the country, and seemingly specialises in sleaze, lacing all its songs with sexual innuendo for extra pleasure.

At NH7, they opened their act with the words, “We don’t care about the critic reviews, we are here for your entertainment”. As if music critics over the country were rushing to review a ‘Romedy Cock’ band. Thankfully, the performance itself was brief, full as it was of songs insulting Delhi girls, Punjabi men, and parodies on heavy metal bands, Gangman Style, Himeshbhai and Harry Potter. I appreciate Vir Das and the Chutney for attempting to create original music, but their lyrics are difficult to follow. The words seem forced on the tunes, and would better suit a stand-up comedy act.

One of the songs was called Village Man. The build-up to the song was a pop poll on how many girls had slept with Haryanvi men. The song itself was about – you guessed it – a Haryanvi man’s attempt at sexual intercourse and how he breaks the girl’s arm because he gets distracted by a squirrel and tries to grab the squirrel instead of the girl.

Next was Punjabi Men and their Man Boobs and a ballad on Delhi Girls, who are supposedly gold diggers. Both these songs’ lyrics were examples of blatant stereotyping of North Indian men and women. We’ve all heard the material several times over already, across several different platforms, and I can’t believe people are still making songs on man boobs.

The parody on heavy metal music was seasoned with names of actual metal like iron, zinc, copper and many more from the periodic table, along with jolts of double bass. Just when we were beginning to think the lame sex jokes were over, BANG! Out came lame jokes on other issues. The parody on Harry Potter was very offensive, and again, we didn’t get the joke – the chorus went: ‘Harry Potter is a Randi, Hermoine is a Randi, Dumble, Riddle, et al is a Randi…’ and so on.

The only parody remotely close to funny was the Gangnam Style one. The lyrics were actually laugh-inducing and contextual to the original song. In a gist, it was about how we don’t understand a single word of the song and throughout the song eagerly await the chorus just to watch a chubby Korean dance funnily. Of course, it had enough profanity to make PSY very angry.

I think the band doesn’t live up to the genre it claims to create. It takes much more than just mocking famous personalities and insulting communities to make people laugh. We are not asking for all-clean, sans profanity songs (after all, we are not the Censor Board), but at least give us a good joke.

If this is Vir Das’s attempt at matching the musical parodies on Saturday Night Live or the famed troupe ‘The Lonely Island’, then he needs to work much harder. The standards set by artists of the comedic music genre are very high already, and plain mockery and insults won’t help. Sexual innuendos are fine, but too much is too much. Agreed, breaking new grounds is tough, and full marks to the band for attempting that, but I strongly feel there is no need to take this on a live platform.

Next time I’m not going to stand in the middle of the day to watch Vir Das and the Alien Chutney rant about Himesh Reshamiya’s nasal hair, a joke done to death. I’d sooner watch them online, with the comfort of having the option to ‘close window’.

 

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Restaurant review: Bong Bong, Bandra

This Bandra-based Bengali restaurant opens its doors to the public today. Salil Jayakar reviews the new addition to the suburbs.

Bandra’s long list of restaurants has a new addition – Bong Bong – an almost hole-in-the-wall sit-down place you’re likely to miss if you don’t know where it is!

Owned and run by young entrepreneurs Surjapriya Ghosh and Kanika Saxena, Bong Bong offers traditional Bengali food with a contemporary European twist. The cooks are from the City of Joy and the recipes have been co-developed by Surjapriya and the executive chef.

First up were the starters – pieces of fried fish and fried cheese and spinach croquettes. Both were served hot with just the right crunch to the outer crispy coating. Do try these with the accompanying dips – a tomato-mustard sauce and the famous Bengali plastic chutney made from papaya. The former has a quite a tangy taste to it, while the latter is sweet. A winning combination!

The main course dishes we tried were the green chilly lamb, chicken kosha and chingri macher malaikari, or prawns cream curry made in coconut milk. These were accompanied by steamed white rice and parathas. Though all the portions were served quite cold, I couldn’t really complain about the flavours, since a Bengali friend who accompanied me vouched for their authenticity. The lamb was not chewy or overdone and the prawn curry had just the right undertone of sweetness brought out by the coconut milk. Being quite the prawn lover, I couldn’t help but ask for more! Dessert was a lone baked rasgolla that ended the meal quite well.

From what I gather, the highlight of Bong Bong’s menu will be the pork dishes, especially the pork ribs served in a classic Bengali sauce. They’ll also serve burgers, sandwiches and kathi rolls, all with a Bengali flavour, of course. I’m going to be a little lenient and make concessions for the slow service and not-too-hot main course. After all, it was only their second day of running a full, busy kitchen.

Prices start upward of Rs 69 for the simple potato and peas vegetarian roll. The most expensive item is the boneless crab in a Bengali style mustard sauce at Rs 449. Hopefully, the portions are not too small.

If the trial tables are anything to go by, Bong Bong will have Bandra’s food lovers crowding in once its doors open. The place is quite unassuming, with murals, old lanterns, wooden tables and steel folding chairs that are meant to evoke nostalgia of old-world Kolkata. And if you listen hard above all the noise, the music you’ll hear is from the original (Pakistani) Coke Studio.

Bong Bong is situated right next to Khaane Khaas on 16th Road, Bandra West. Pictures courtesy Bong Bong.

 

 

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Watch

4 Mumbaikars who don’t have set top boxes

We spoke to four Mumbai men whose TV sets still don’t have set top boxes installed, for four different reasons.
by The Editors | editor@themetrognome.in

The October 31 deadline for digitisation of TV is gone, and several households in Mumbai that didn’t get set top boxes or DTH connections in time, are now bearing the brunt of having blank TV screens. But not all of these houses have been remiss – some did order the set top boxes which did not arrive in time, others got the units installed but the equipment was faulty, and still others were out of the city and could not follow up with their cable operators on the issue.

We caught up with four Mumbaikars who don’t have set top boxes in their homes for four different reasons.

Jigar Doshi, 21, student, has only watched DD National all his life

It was my parents’ decision not to install cable or a set top box. The reason my sister and I were given for not making the switch to cable was so that we wouldn’t quarrel for the remote control to watch different channels. My sister always wanted to watch TV serials and I was more into sports.

Later, while we were busy pursuing higher education, we seldom had the time for anything apart from studies and projects. For the last three years, I stayed in a hostel where there was no TV. So,  cable was not needed at home.

I don’t watch TV daily, and I watch only reality shows and movies that are screened on weekends on DD1. My sister and I were always satisfied with DD1 and except for a couple of times, we never missed cable TV. It was only while awards shows and World Cup matches were aired on other channels but not on DD1 and the next day, in school, our friends had nothing else but these particular programmes to talk of, that I felt we should have had cable TV, too.

It did cross my mind sometimes that we should have more channels on our TV set, and we are now planning to get a set top box installed in a month or two. I don’t think I have missed anything by not having other channels to watch all these years, but yes, there are a certain programmes that are worth watching, both for information and entertainment.

Shivom Oza, 22, film reviewer and writer, is stunned at the channel blackout

There wasn’t a particular reason why I didn’t get a set top box installed. Whatever I’ve heard of all the ‘brands’ of set top boxes, they have been giving unsatisfactory service. Even the DTH seems to falter every time it rains. Cable actually worked fine for me till now.

I watch about two hours of TV everyday, most of which includes the English language news channels, and GECs too, once in a while.

The sole purpose of the government for introducing digitisation was to stop having two systems of transmission, ‘analog’ and ‘digital’. One of the reasons is that with cable networks, most broadcasters lose money since they don’t get to know the actual number of subscribers. So, basically, this is being done to stop discrepancy. However, are the consumers’ needs being looked after? I do not have any problem with set top boxes or direct-to-home services, but why force it on people? A blackout is completely unwarranted.

Though the October 31 deadline had been flashed all along and the warnings had been going on for quite a while, the channel blackout was still a bolt out of the blue. Blacking out everything all at one go was a bit extreme. The best solution, in my opinion, was to let a small chunk of people, who wished to stick to cable television, be. The US has this too. What about households with two-three televisions? Will they get a different set top box for every TV set? What if I get Airtel for all the television sets and it turns out sc****d up? DTH must be growing at a tremendous pace, but most people, who have been using cable-network thus far, are quite skeptical about it.

If the blackout continues and the government does not relent, what option does it leave us with but to get a set top box? I hope the cable operators protest against this order. How was Chennai given relief? Mumbai being the hub of most television content that is churned out on Indian TV, definitely has space for two kinds of transmissions, analog and digital.

Girish Mallya, 36, print and digital media professional, doesn’t have set top box because cable operator still hasn’t given it

Four years ago, I wanted to get a Tata Sky connection, and bought a dish. We tried to install it in our window, but it was the wrong direction, so we decided to fix it on the terrace. But our building management didn’t give us the permission for it, citing that individual dish installations would cause structural damage to the building.

For a year, I gave IPTV a try. But the MTNL Internet was very inconsistent in its performance. Transmission has to be smooth, especially for streaming. So that didn’t work out as well.

Personally, I don’t like my cable operator and I don’t trust a word he says. His cable services are very poor, the channel clarity is bad. I don’t watch over 30 minutes of TV a day, mostly news, but my mother watches for about four hours daily, and she was distraught on knowing that channels would be blanked out after October 31. She asked our cable operator for a set top box well before the cut-off date was up, but he didn’t deliver it till November 2. She is now travelling and will be back in 15 days. In the meantime, I really am not bothered with having a blue screen on my TV, but she will insist on the channels being restored when she’s back.

Aniruddha Pathak, 30, finance professional, didn’t get set top box out of laziness

My reason for not getting a set top box installed was pretty basic – I was too lazy. But I will get it done soon.

I watch the news on TV, but I watch sports more, and dance-related shows as well. I would say I watch about two hours of TV a day. I stay alone, so the only person facing a channel blackout is me. I don’t have any plans to get a DTH connection; I will ask the cable guy to restore my channels for me.

Not having any channels to watch has certainly freed up my time for other activities. I’ve been on the internet extensively for information and entertainment.

 

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Eat

A delightful new concierge service

This eating out experience comes at the click of a mouse. Plus, take away reward points for being our reader.
by Rakshit Doshi

In this digital age where we can do anything at the click of a mouse or a tap of the finger, I, as a foodie, was missing something.

Now, there are a million sites where you can get reviews and watch pictures of food joints around you, get directions, even rate them yourselves. But why was nobody doing anything about providing a concierge service for restaurants? If there are travel sites that can book entire holidays for you, there had to be a site that could help you with your dinner reservations. And I was right. In fact, these guys take it a notch higher.

Check out PoshVine.com, a unique website that not only does your bookings for you (with their partnered restaurants) but rewards you for it. I wanted to dig a little deeper, and so I happened to chat with one of the co-founders of the service, Garima Satija. So here’s the dope on this site… PoshVine is not simply a concierge service, but they have a threefold plan.

If you have a table reservation to make, PoshVine will make it for you, and throw in a little something for you and your guests at the table, complimentary of course, like a glass of wine or sangria and even an internal discount on your overall bill. Second, they design and curate culinary experiences for you, like master classes for dessert making, or wine and cheese tasting, and all this for a very reasonable price, too. Again, there is a little something (like high tea and tasting after the class) thrown in for free.

What I really found awesome was that they operate in many cities and are growing across the country. So the third advantage is, say, one was to travel from Delhi to Mumbai, he could hook up with an experience here through PoshVine.com, like the ‘Fort Bay-Area walk’ that they organise and maybe even experience the khau gallis of the city that are not otherwise known to outsiders. So one gets to know the city and its food culture, while they meet some locals as well. Cool, right? And the best thing is that the membership is, you guessed it, FREE!

Plus, you can earn reward points on each booking you do from the site: 100 points for restaurant reservations and 250 for booking ‘experiences’. In fact, Garima was gracious enough to extend some reward points just for you guys. You can earn 1,000 points just by reading this post! So follow the instructions at the bottom of this article and sign up.

I was very happy with this initiative and I am dying to try some experiences, but the service starts only from November 10. Until then, give the site a shot and become a member. It’s not costing you anything, well for the moment at least, since they plan to take away the freebies later, says Garima.

The downside, however small, is the fact that the service is not for the massy restaurants just yet. I mean, we are talking Sofitels and Tridents of the world, but you also have a Spaghetti Kitchen or an Indigo, which is not exactly five starry but for an average earner, but it’s not your weekday haunt either. But they are working on it and they will have a hundred associate restaurants by December 2012.

So here’s wishing PoshVine well and you guys a happy, fresh, new approach to a culinary experience in your city.

The Metrognome.in readers get 1,000 reward points for signing up with PoshVine till November 10. You can use these points to book a table, an experience or something even more exciting. Email us at editor@themetrognome.in to get your coupon code and avail of this special offer.

(Picture courtesy minna-minni.blogspot.com)

 

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Event

At the iPhone 5 launch

Mahafreed Irani attended the India launch of Apple’s newest and most eagerly-awaited iPhone in Mumbai on Friday at Phoenix Mills.

An announcer on a mini stage that’s been erected in the courtyard of Lower Parel’s Phoenix Mills heralded the launch of a new gadget. “The real moon of Karva Chauth: the iPhone 5 is here,” she said. A long queue of Apple fans had been waiting to buy the iPhone5 on the day of its launch. They’d been standing for over an hour to make sure they lay their hands on the very first phones sold in the country.

Amongst the many standees were Apple fanboys, phone resellers, and office peons and servants that had been delegated to pick up the product for their masters. The contrast was very clear between those who would own the phones and those who were just there in lieu of somebody else.

“I want to be part of the experience. There is a sort of vibrant energy here,” said Shreyam Desai, a student who had been part of another Apple queue in the past. “I stood in line for the iPhone 3G in the US. There was never anything like that in India and now that there is, it’s a very nice experience.”

Another iPhone fan waiting was Siddharth Shetty.

“It’s important for me to be here on the first day. I want to be part of the tradition that Apple has been carrying out in other countries,” he said, referring to the cult-style enthusiasm in which thousands of Apple customers stand for hours and sometimes days outside stores to be among the first people to get their hands on the phone.

In the meantime, reporters and camera crew cramped and pushed each other to get the best shots of actress Esha Gupta of Jannat 2 fame, as she held the phone in her hand, pouting for the cameras. Veena Parikh, a lucky customer was handed the phone, making her one of the first to own it after the official launch in India. She’d been handpicked perhaps because of her interesting story – her husband was buying her the phone as a gift on Karva Chauth.

“She can use it to facetime with our daughter who is in the US,” he smiled.

Mahafreed Irani is a Mumbai-based journalist and co-editor of The Report (youtube.com/thereportlive)

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Eat

Meet Sachin Tendulkar, Master Foodie

Sachin Tendulkar’s food knowledge, and that he can rustle up fish curries in his own kitchen, had us going ‘Aila!’
by Vrushali Lad | vrushali@themetrognome.in

What Sachin Tendulkar has shown us of himself thus far, has all happened on the playing field. He is fiercely private about his private life. There are hardly any pictures of him partying the night away. There have never been any controversies pockmarking his personal life. When somebody says something negative about him, he chooses to maintain a dignified silence.

All of this combines to give the impression that Sachin Tendulkar the man, must be very much like Sachin Tendulkar the cricketer – breathing and thinking cricket alone, not very chatty, extremely reserved – a myth he shattered spectacularly at the launch of writer and journalist Boria Majumdar’s book, Cooking On The Run, at the Cricket Club of India, yesterday. After Boria requested journalists to restrict their questions for the Master Blaster only to food, he started the conversation with the cricketer about his food experiences, then invited journalists to ask Sachin questions. The legendary batsman candidly answered a volley of reporters’ questions about his experiments with cooking, why he loves trying different cuisines, and how his teammates are not as adventurous as him.

How important is it to experiment with food and different cuisines?

It’s very important to experiment. Trying out different cuisines gives you an idea of what others are eating around the world. Three years ago, I went to a Japanese restaurant with Suresh Raina, and we had some very good food there. I don’t know if he pretended to like it, but he seemed to enjoy the sashimi and sushi. We had also ordered burnt garlic rice, so that was great as well.

Tell us a bit about Harbhajan Singh’s taste in food.

I remember when we were touring South Africa, he told me he wanted to eat and become tagda (laughs). I took him to the Butcher’s Grill, a restaurant in Johannesberg, and he enjoyed what we ordered. But he seems to like Thai and Chinese cuisines the most.

 

What has been the weirdest thing you’ve eaten?

It would have to be snails! They were prepared in garlic sauce, and I thought they were a bit difficult to digest. They were not good at all; I ate them with Anjali and we didn’t like it. I don’t think I’ll ever eat them again.

How does tasting different cuisines enrich you?

I think it is relaxing to both eat good food and also to cook it. It gives you a sense of satisfaction to cook for somebody, especially when you’re in a big group and you’re trying different things. There’s no stress to cooking at home, unlike in Masterchef Australia that my son Arjun watches, where everyone’s competing against one another. When you’re cooking for friends and family, you’re not competing, you’re just enjoying yourself.

You’ve spoken about entrees, you’ve spoken about main courses. Which desserts do you like?

I love them all! Anything and everything. Occasionally it’s good to be fussy about eating sweet things when you’re trying to lose weight or trying to maintain the kind of physique you want, but I love to eat all kinds of desserts, Indian as well as Western.

You’ve cooked for your teammates. Which teammates have cooked for you?

Nobody (laughs) The only one who has consistently cooked for me is my mother, and I love her food the most. She cooks on various occasions even today, especially seafood, and I have told my cook to learn those recipes. He is slowly beginning to cook like her.

What kind of diet do you follow during a gruelling series?

I remember, during the World Cup match when we were to play Australia in Ahmedabad, the weather was really hot. So for three days before the match, I drank a lot of fluids, ate bland food like curd rice. Eating spicy food in that weather would have caused me problems. I thought I should flush out all the masalas and spices already in my system and eat things that are easy to digest. Eventually, you have to trust your gut feeling – you have to know what to eat and what to avoid in a situation.

Again, after you play a really exciting one-day match, you can’t immediately go to sleep. After we played Pakistan in the World Cup, we were so pumped up by the win, we couldn’t sleep! But we had pasta that night, and the night before, it was pad thai noodles.

Which country has offered you the best food experiences?

It would have to be England, and more specifically, London. London has a great variety of restaurants serving so many different cuisines.

Which is the most awful thing you’ve eaten?

Spoilt seafood. Also, if you’re trying to lose weight, spoilt seafood will do it for you (laughs).

What kind of food are you currently having?

I’m avoiding the fatty stuff. Like I said, you need to know when to eat, what to eat. I’m following a particular diet for the upcoming series. At this stage, I know exactly when I can afford to eat certain kinds of food.

Why do you think some people are vegetarians? Have you ever tried to be vegetarian?

Yes, I’ve tried to be vegetarian, but it has happened only in patches (smiles). It’s difficult for me. I was brought up on non-vegetarian food, so I find it difficult to give it up. But I don’t mind eating good quality vegetarian food.

Which is the best Maharashtrian food you’ve eaten?

My mother’s home made food. I love everything she makes. I love her varan bhaat the most, especially after a long overseas tour, because you don’t get it anywhere outside. I prefer varan bhaat with a bit of lime on it.

Has there been any coach who was not very disciplined with your food habits?

It’s not the coach’s responsibility to look at what players are eating and not eating. It’s the player’s responsibility to know what is good for him or not.

Are your teammates as adventurous about food as you?

Not all of them. Zaheer Khan, Ajit Agarkar and Yuvraj are quite adventurous; we always try out different restaurants and different cuisines. Most of the other guys prefer Chinese or Thai food.

Do you watch any food shows?

Only Masterchef Australia with Arjun.

Are you superstitious about certain food? Do you think eating something will bring bad luck?

Now you’ve put one more thing in my head! (laughs) No, I’m not superstitious about food at all.

 

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