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I have two children but I’m still alone

Aniket Sahastrabuddhe writes about being ‘banished’ to his brother’s home after refusing to will his Mumbai house to his children.
As told to Reyna Mathur

You read about these things in the papers, you hear stories of such incidents from neighbours and friends, but you never imagine it would happen to you.

I have two children, both are daughters. Like any father, I raised them with love and did not leave them wanting. At times, my wife would scold me for spoiling them with too many gifts, sometimes too much pocket money. But they are the centre of my world. Since the time both of them were born, they have been the most important people in the world to me.

I gave them a good education in Mumbai, got them married to the partners of their choice with full pomp and ceremony. My older daughter is a Chartered Accountant with a prominent law firm in Mumbai, and the younger one is a lawyer with a thriving private practice. Our home in Andheri was a three bedroom apartment with every modern amenity. Whatever my wife and kids wanted, I always tried to provide.

My wife passed away very suddenly when she had gone to visit her sister in Bangalore. She had never had a heart ailment, but one morning, she just collapsed and died. This was 10 years ago. My daughters were already married and I had just wound up my business (his company supplied parts for mobile phones and computers; he ran three factories and an office in Mumbai) and was looking forward to a quiet retirement with her. Then she was gone and I was left alone in our house.

Everything was great, at first

My daughters rallied around and took care of me at first. I had never learnt how to cook or clean, but after my wife’s death, I started learning a few basic recipes. My kids would also come with their husbands and bring food and groceries, sometimes they would stay over for weeks. I missed my wife but I was happy to know that I had a strong support system.

Then one day, my younger son-in-law suggested that I come live with them. ‘Your house is too big for one person, how will you maintain it?’ he kept asking. What he said made sense. But this was my home. I had bought it when I had nothing, and it had given us so much in return. I refused to move at first. Then my older daughter chimed in, saying that I should stay with them. ‘If you like, you can live with Sai (the younger daughter) and me in turns. Just don’t live here alone. We worry about you,’ she said.

Finally, with a heavy heart, I agreed to this arrangement. I locked up the house and moved to my older daughter’s home in Goregaon.

Then it happened

It was a big adjustment on my part because I had just vacated a large home for my daughter’s small one. But I made my peace with that. I even started helping her around the house. I would get groceries, play with her toddler son (she also has an older daughter), clean up the house when the domestic help didn’t come. I would stay with her for six months, then spend six months with my younger daughter. It was an arrangement I began to get used to, though I had zero privacy and no space of my own.

After a year, both my daughters and their husbands held a family meeting and asked to speak with me. I was literally bombarded from all sides. ‘You should sell your house and live with us,’ they kept saying. ‘You can get a handsome amount of money when you sell. You can split that money equally in three parts (one for myself, one each for my daughters) and we can continue this arrangement,’ they insisted.

I was insulted to note that they had spoken about this without my consent, and that they had assumed that I would sell off the home and give them money. My wife and I had already decided that our house would be sold only after both of us were dead, and through a legal arrangement. My plan was to sell the house, and donate the proceeds towards building our family home in Konkan. My brother currently takes care of the Konkan property.

When I refused to sell, gently at first and then firmly, my daughters’ behaviour changed completely. They called me selfish. They said I did not care for their monetary troubles, ‘which had increased ever since I started living with them’. They even accused me of never caring for them, and only being interested in money all my life. After an entire life spent trying to give them every comfort they desired, this was what they thought of me.

Banished from home

Their behaviour convinced me that I should not leave anything to them. My wife and I created our life from nothing, and so should our children. We did not get home, money or cars from our parents. Whatever I have today, I have worked hard for it. I have already given them everything they needed. Why should my children think that they are entitled to everything I own?

When they realised that they would not be getting any of the house proceeds, both my daughters firmly told me that I could no longer live with them. I was told to go ‘live with my brother’ since I cared more about him. The last straw was when I went to my house in Andheri and found that the locks had been changed. I left from there immediately, bought a bus ticket for Pune and went to my brother’s house. I am living here for the past eight months.

The house is in contention

I do not have the will to fight my daughters. Their selfishness has completely demoralised me. My brother tells me to solve the issue of my Andheri home. But I have no option apart from going to court. However, I am scared of how they will treat me when I come face to face with them. I am meeting my lawyer in Mumbai and hopefully I will solve the problem of the house soon.

I now spend my days wondering what I did wrong in trying to decide what I should do with something that is rightfully mine.

‘Grey Space’ is a weekly column on senior citizen issues. If you have an anecdote or legal information, or anything you feel is useful to senior citizens, caregives and the society at large, feel free to get it published in this space. Write to editor@themetrognome.in or on Facebook at www.facebook.com/Themetrognome.in and we will publish your account.

(Picture courtesy www.indiatimes.com. Image is used for representational purpose only. Mr Sahastrabuddhe was uncomfortable about sharing his photograph for this story)

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A letter to a mother who doesn’t remember

Author and blogger Lisa Hirsch writes with love and gratitude to a mother who changed her world after developing Alzheimer’s disease.
Lisa Hirsch with her mother
Lisa Hirsch with her mother

Mom, as I sit down to write my letter I wonder how I can possibly start to share all my feelings with you. So much has changed since you developed Alzheimer’s 10 years ago. As I gather my thoughts I realise that you will not be able to comprehend most of what I say.

As a teenager I loved you, yet somehow I wanted one of my friend’s mothers to be my mother. Then, after you became ill I fell so deeply in love with you. An unconditional love was born and since then you have inspired me each and every day.

I’m not really sure why my sentiments changed so drastically, I just know that I was given a second chance to feel a deep love and appreciation for you. As I reflect back through these years you have inspired me and have become my hero.

Your humor, your smiles, your sweetness have melted my heart.  In several months you will be turning 90 years “young”. You can still be feisty and, as you run around in your Merry Walker, I wonder what you could possibly be thinking.  Of course I could ask you, yet as silly as that might seem you would not be able to remember anything.

Before entering the nursing home this past August I spoke to you every single day. We ended each call throwing each other our kisses. I have continued to phone the nursing home every day only wanting to hear how you are doing. On occasion I get lucky and am able to hear your sweet voice.

Most of the time you say ‘hello’, and after a minute you just drop the phone. You do not even realize that I called or recognize the sound of my voice. Recently I was able to catch you when you were having a minute of clarity. You sounded free of Alzheimer’s as you shared that you missed me. These words immediately melted my heart. After hanging up the phone I knew that this was a magical moment, an occasion for me to treasure.

Mom, I am also a mother. My son, your only grandchild, is 26 years old. You adored him and yet today you no longer remember who he is. There have been times that you think you have seven children and days when you think you have none. As a mother I cannot envision that one day I might also not know that I have a child.

I find it hard to believe that a disease like this can wipe away your whole world as if it never existed, leaving your mind a blank canvas. Daddy passed away almost twenty years ago and I do not believe that you have much recollection of him. I’m actually happy that he is no longer alive. I cannot imagine the pain he would have endured watching you fade away.

Today, in your world, I would have to help you brush your teeth, comb your hair, eat your food and get dressed. As a child you once did all of this for me, as well as comforting me when I was sick, or perhaps feeling a little blue. Yet with everything that has changed, at least I know that we still have each other to share our love.

What has changed is that our roles have reversed. Now it is my turn to care for you as you once cared for me. The truth is, mom, that no matter whatever you can or cannot do, I am still your daughter and you will always be my mother.

Life is strange; for out of you becoming ill I have discovered a whole new world. I was given a second chance to love you unconditionally. You have opened my heart to such a deep compassionate love. Mom as I end my letter, I just want to share with you, how very much I adore you. I feel honored and I am so proud that you are my mother.

Your one and only daughter,

Lisa

Lisa Hirsch is a popular blogger and the author of My Mom My Hero. You can find more of her writings at http://mommyhero.blogspot.com. 

‘Grey Space’ is a weekly column on senior citizen issues. If you have an anecdote or leagl information, or anything you feel is useful to senior citizens, caregives and the society at large, feel free to get it published in this space. Write to editor@themetrognome.in or on Facebook at www.facebook.com/Themetrognome.in and we will publish your account.

(Pictures courtesy www.pinterest.com, positivemed.com)

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Simplify your financial health in your senior years

A senior citizen explains how he cuts down the hassle in banking and investment to focus on his health and hobbies.
Gopalkrishna Bhatby Gopalkrishna Bhat

As one advances in age, there is more need to simplify one’s life. I am now nearing 80 years and my wife 74; we lead an independent life, since our children are well settled. Our policy has always been to allow them to lead their own lives.

Simple financial practices

The two main problems confronting senior citizens are management of finance and health. Earlier, I used to look out for instruments yielding the highest rates of interest. Watching movements of share prices was a daily routine. I also maintained meticulous records of dividends and interests received for each investment. The portfolio was spread over shares, mutual funds, bonds, PPF and fixed deposits with banks.

Now I have restricted my investments to minimum number of portfolios viz. bank FDs to ensure a regular cash flow for monthly expenses, shares and PPF. No chasing for the highest rates of interest and no following of share price movements. The existing share portfolio is maintained to ensure tax free income. Investments are all in blue chips for appreciation and there is minimum churning of the portfolio. No elaborate records maintained. Bank accounts are restricted to minimum number of banks. FDs are clubbed wherever possible to minimise visits to banks.

All payments for Gas, Electricity and telephones are made by ECS and debited to my bank account. Similarly, all dividends are credited to my bank account. Internet banking facility is availed of for each bank account, to enable monitoring of accounts and making certain payments via internet banking from home. For this, familiarity with computers is essential. It is not difficult at all.

Focussing on health

Health is a major problem for senior citizens. Health insurance is a must and should be taken when one is young since insurers do not view favourably granting cover to old people. Despite all precautions, here can be a host of complaints as one advances in age. Some are to be borne with equanimity e.g. failing eyesight, a sign of old age, though one has to take care in case of serious complaints. Diabetes is a life partner and needs control of diet with mediation. Tremors can be a hindrance, though it may not be a sign of Parkinson’s disease in every case. Annual health check-up is a must and at more frequent intervals, if required.

Keeping oneself occupied is most important; it may be in the form of reading, solving crosswords and word puzzles, Facebook etc., which may help in keeping Alzheimer’s at bay. Reading newspapers and keeping oneself up to date with current events is necessary but one should not be swayed by political events. Walks and discussions with friends can be stimulating.

One can thus hope to lead a stress- free life by simplifying daily chores.

Gopalkrishna Bhat has been an insurance professional who loves reading, scrabble and Hindustani classical music. He is fluent in several Indian languages and has been published in several print and online publications. He lives in Goregaon with his wife, Prabha.

‘Grey Space’ is a weekly column on senior citizen issues. If you have an anecdote or leagl information, or anything you feel is useful to senior citizens, caregives and the society at large, feel free to get it published in this space. Write to editor@themetrognome.in or on Facebook at www.facebook.com/Themetrognome.in and we will publish your account.

(Picture courtesy indianexpress.com. Image is used for representational purpose only)

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Of personal and familial pursuits

A senior citizen writes about cracking life’s code – enriching one’s life in the golden years by self-help and empathy.
by Vanita Kumta

Life goes around in circles. As human beings we are a part of a greater society and we all need the help of one another – more so in a family. Having completed most of our responsibilities in life and reached our retirement, often there is a clash of ideas about whether lending a helping hand with the rearing of one’s grandchildren is worthwhile or whether we should call it a day and just enjoy our golden years.

When any work that we do is not taken for granted and it is appreciated, it is a pleasant feeling. Especially nurturing one’s grandchildren. It is in these golden years as our own birds leave the nests soaring high in their respective careers and with families of their own that the empty nest syndrome brings loneliness and depression in its wake. The seniors can find a lot of love and solace when they bond with their grandchildren. It reminds us of our own youth and our children and also our elders.

These reminiscences are full of mixed feelings of joy and pain. But that, in essence, is life.

My husband and I are an old couple, currently retired from our active phase of life. We were part of a joint family till about two years back and have, of our own accord, insisted that our son, daughter-in-law and grandchild live their lives separately away from us. We took this decision to avoid stepping on one another’s toes and to give space in our relationships. Nevertheless, we try to be active supports, especially in taking care of our little granddaughter.

In hindsight, we feel that this decision has brought back a healthy bonding between us. We have our own space after leading a full life and we treasure it. The young fledgling family, too, becomes more responsible and realises the value of time, money and work. They become more responsible, independent and innovative in the bargain. All in all it is heady mixture of freedom for all without the encumbrance of strictures.

Most people do not adapt to changing times and try to hold on to meaningless strings. This makes us lose out on a lot in life. The waters of life keep flowing regardless of obstacles. If we adapt to our new roles, try to stay aloof at times and yet be of service to one another, it makes the world a much better place to live in. Having said this, I cannot deny that there is turmoil. But the entire exercise is one of patience, and never trying to exploit one another.

May be we too will need a finger to hold on to, so why not offer a helping hand without expecting too much in return? I think that leading an active life that enriches us as individuals and the lives of others helps us physically, emotionally and may be financially.

Since April this year, we have stepped back a little from our babysitter duties as our granddaughter is now quite grown up. It is time that her young family becomes self-sufficient and that we relax a wee bit and see them grow. I do not wish for us to become a burden on anyone, so we also make some time for exercise, too.

I think I have cracked the code to a happy life. Have you?

Grey Space’ is a weekly column on senior citizen issues. If you have an anecdote, or legal information, or anything you feel is useful to senior citizens, caregivers and the society at large, feel free to get it published in this space. Write to editor@themetrognome.in or on Facebook at www.facebook.com/Themetrognome.in and we will publish your account.

(Picture courtesy darkroom.baltimoresun.com, www.wikihow.com. Images are used for representational purpose only)

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Get acquainted with ageing

There’s no need to get anxious about ageing and growing old. But acceptance is the key to a happy dotage.                    
by Anjali Raje, Executive Director, International Longevity Centre-India (ILC-I)

Everyone grows old. And everyone is anxious about it, too.

Ageing is a normal process of life. Every living being grows old. But the process of ageing of a human being is quite complex and mysterious, too.

Longevity of a human being has been brought on by the progress made by medical science and the improvements brought in by modern technology. But, longevity brings in its wake, some issues and concerns, some of which have been addressed by the countries of the developed world nearly three decades ago.

But in India, the’ longevity revolution’ as one may call it, began making its presence felt and acknowledged around a decade ago.

The world today has people living longer than ever before. In 1950, ‘life expectancy at birth’, that is the number of years that an individual is expected to live was around 46 years. But today, this has increased to around 66 years. And this will be increasing every decade.

Most importantly, no individual ages uniformly, every individual ages differently. A person who is 80 years old might be more mentally and physically fit than an individual who is 60 years old.

Ageing is defined as ‘a progressive functional decline, or a gradual deterioration of physiological function with age, and one which is an intrinsic, inevitable, and irreversible age-related process.’

No one escapes old age! At the cusp of youth, old age seems non-existent, but as WHO’s Life Course Approach states, “Ageing begins right from the time that the baby Is conceived.” No wonder we say, “He or she is 10 days old or 8 years old.’

Ageing-related illnesses are an inevitable part of life. One has to face them. Ageing-related problems go beyond illnesses too – financial issues, emotional and social issues, housing problems, inter-generational problems and the like.

To cope with ageing, what is essential is to understand that this is an inevitable process that everyone goes through and that one has to learn to deal with it in a planned and prepared manner, if possible right from the time that one starts earning one’s income. This includes not just financial planning, but also post-retirement issues beyond finances.

‘Retirement…Why should it be a priority or an issue of concern in my life when I am just 25?’, an incredulous youth would say. That’s where the problem lies. Remember, you ARE 25 years OLD! It’s never too early to think of one’s old age and how one should live during that period.

Watch the elderly and you will notice – some are jolly, healthy and enthused about life, and some may be sad, depressed and demoralised. A lot depends on how prepared you are to face this inevitable period of your life.

Statistics reveal that today there are nearly 4,50,000 centenarians in the world and the number will reach 18 million globally at the end of the century. Are you going to be one of them? It’s in your hands!

(Picture courtesy www.jagritidham.com. Image is used for representational purpose only)

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If Piku was a man…

What if ‘Piku’ had been the father’s story, and if the protagonist was a man? Does the story play out differently?
Pooja Birwatkarby Dr Pooja Birwatkar

Piku released recently to an almost unanimous vote of approval from audiences. The story of a daughter fast approaching middle age taking care of her hypochondriac old father while juggling personal problems and a career, made for an engrossing subject. While tracing the nuances of the father-daughter bond, the film made an angel out of the distressed daughter caught in two worlds, courtesy her difficult father.

As per Indian standards, Piku should have been married and settled in life, raising her kids. However, Piku is ‘deprived’ of this set pattern of life as her life’s focal point becomes her difficult and demanding father. All sympathies are bestowed on Piku as some sort of ‘victim’ who suffers a trail of misfortunes. Out of all this, the biggest point to stand out was that Piku is a girl. A girl of marriageable age who has ‘compromised’ on life for the duties she has taken upon herself.

While the film’s makers may have given a nod to gender equality by making the protagonist a woman and not a man, yet the way the ‘sacrifice’ was highlighted did not celebrate the equality of sexes. If Piku had been a man, there would have been no discussion on his marriage and sexual needs. There would be no dialogues about Piku’s virginity (she talks about her sexual needs as well). We wouldn’t think the man was making a sacrifice – rather we would take him to task for not taking care of his vulnerable parent. Piku’s pains would be his duties. Oddly enough, we cannot picture the girl Piku bringing home a husband who lives with her father and shares their daily struggles. Even her father does not give her this liberty. A man in her place enjoys the privilege of bringing home a wife who would look after his parents, while men are not expected to do so for their wives’ parents.

Elders in IndiaWe find many Pikus in our metros. Why is this? If we look at life from the standpoint of her father, we would discover many ugly truths about life in the metros. While it is true that Piku’s father is an extreme hypochondriac, there wasn’t anything very unusual about the way he behaves. Each of us has this sort of senior in our homes, neighborhood and even extended families.

A typical couple in Mumbai goes through the expected struggles of setting up home and fulfilling all their dreams. Their entire life passes by in the pursuit of these goals. Finally, they retire to the peaceful confines of home and solitude, thinking of what might have been. In their golden years, loneliness silently creeps in and becomes the sole companion of their grey years.

Many aged people behave just like Piku’s father – they become maniacal about their health as they age, overly critical, and always apprehensive about their future. Though the film shows this behaviour as ‘selfish’, there is an empathetic note to be taken here is that severity of this behaviour can be linked to the lack of confidence one has about the smooth transition to old age and death.

While health scares, medical expenses, lack of care providers all plague our senior citizens, the biggest scare is that of being left alone. Are we doing enough to make Mumbai a blissful retiring space for our elderly? If not, why not? Are our senior citizens not justified in being overly possessive and critical?  They must think with a shudder of themselves being stuck in an ambulance on a busy road, or dying alone at home while their children pursue their own lives abroad.

When Piku’s father’s dying makes life easier for everyone around, the question remains: what of those who are still alive? Aren’t the elderly justified in wanting to go back to their roots, to be near their loved ones, to be like a child again? We come full circle when we reach old age, reaching for those things we held so dear as children. Understand from the senior’s lens: it is not easy to start losing everything you worked for all your life.

We all took heart from knowing that we are not alone, that we are Pikus too. But spare a thought to the thousands of elderly citizens who are forced to depend on their children in their old age. Maybe we could then think of our parents and elders in a different way.

Dr Pooja Birwatkar is currently pursuing post doctoral research and working in the area of science education. She has been associated with the field of education in the past as a teacher educator, and her area of interest is research in education. 

Grey Space’ is a weekly column on senior citizen issues. If you have an anecdote, or legal information, or anything you feel is useful to senior citizens, caregivers and the society at large, feel free to get it published in this space. Write to editor@themetrognome.in or on Facebook at www.facebook.com/Themetrognome.in and we will publish your account.

(Pictures courtesy zeenews.india.com, healthintelasia.com. Images are used for representational purpose only)

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