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Film

Has-beens and their brats

Bollywood continues to open its floodgates to a new generation of star kids. But are they really worth a watch?
by M | M@themetrognome.in

I feel sad. Sad to know that we have finally seen the last of those days when actors were discovered in the dingily-lit rehearsal halls of a drama school. Where genuine emotions of pain and hunger on the actors’ faces were a reflection of their several days and years of hardship and struggle.

I feel particularly sad, then exhausted, when I watch the offspring of yesteryear stars prancing around in frocks purchased in their (the offsprings’) infancy, draped as fashionable eye candy on the arms of metrosexual men. Yes, I am talking about the cast of Student of The Year, so bite me. This film doesn’t make sense to me at all. Its songs don’t make sense to me. Its cast is a big puzzle. The girl, Alia Bhatt, has just one expression on her face – a persistent cringe – and the guys, Siddharth Malhotra and Varun Dhawan, only seem to be dancing around her. Methinks, it take a little more than that to be the student of the year, even at a dance school, and it will take much, much more to please the audience. Better luck next time, Karan.

Coming back to a bigger worry, where are the real men and women? Look at the casting of Student of the Year. Alia is Mahesh Bhatt and Soni Razdan’s daughter, Varun is David Dhawan’s son, his brother is Rohit Dhawan (of Desi Boyz fame) and Siddharth Malhotra is reportedly related to Karan’s close friend Manish Malhotra. The rumour mills have been buzzing with stories of Karan and Siddharth’s ‘close friendship’, where they have been spotted at various pools and restaurants at five- star hotels across the city, even hinting at the-couch-that-must-not-be-named. Sure, the cast boasts a high pedigree, but where’s the talent, folks? From what we’ve seen so far, their biggest talent is that they resemble their parents.

Not so long ago, there was Always Kabhi Kabhi; this was a film made to please the Morani brothers by casting Zoya Morani in the film. It was produced by Red Chillies Entertainment, and Cineyug was a silent partner in the company. A marketing brouhaha was created around the film, and SRK himself shot a music video to promote it. Needless to say, the film bombed at the box office and Zoya Morani was sent packing home.

Backtrack a little more and meet that other star kid disaster, Jackky Bhagnani. His dad, Vashu, will force him down upon us once again in a movie called Ajab Gazabb Love, slated to release next week. I had to pay for therapy after watching just the promos. Jackky’s performance in his debut film Kal Kissne Dekha, for which he won an IIFA award (Star Debutant) was as good as the title of his next release – FALTU.

Not long ago, a rich father was even willing to pay huge sums of money to get a theatrical release for a film directed by his son. Still, the distribution house that usually pays to procure the rights of a film, refused this lucrative offer for fear of losing face, and also because good sense sometimes does prevail in Bollywood.

There are many other star kids, who (to put it bluntly) came and went, without leaving any impression on the audience. Not that they were worse than the ones that get a bigger release – like Jackky and gang,  but this game is all about the parents. The chances of star kids getting a decent break are directly proportionate to their parents’ social equation in the industry. Even the filmmakers know that looking for talent in these kids is futile.

In the near future, I can see the Dharmas and the YRFs of the world setting up a school for these kids, where the dumb are separated from the dumber. The weekly PTA meeting over cocktails will have a one-point agenda – which parents do we like the most, and whose kid should be cast in the next flop?

The film industry has always inspired many to pursue their passion for acting and in return, the stars  narrate this great story of their struggles to the world, thus inspiring others, and so, the circle of life in cinema continues. But it seems that this circle is moving towards recycling has-beens through their children; children, who are not even passionate about this fascinating art, but still enter the profession with good baggage and some meagre acting skills.

I really wonder what these kids will say if they ever reach the pinnacle of stardom (chances of which are as high as a cow winning India’s Got Talent), but it sure will go something like this: “Oh, I was watching reruns of Jersey Shore, when Karan uncle called me to say that he spoke to Daddy and told him I would be acting in his next film. I was like, OK, since I am doing nothing right now and I am not good at anything else either…so I gave it a shot.”

Guess it’s a long wait for the next Amitabh Bachchan and Ranjikanth of this generation.

Till then, I’m going to blindfold myself and listen to soothing music, hoping that this Friday passes me by quickly.

(Student of The Year releases Friday, October 19, 2012. Picture courtesy: www.apnatimepass.com)

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Working better in Mumbai: A special analysis

Clyde D’Souza (author of Kissing Ass – The Art of Office Politics) lists five ways to improve your working conditions.

1. Spondylitis chhutti

Stop cribbing about the potholes in Mumbai and make them work for you! Use them as a valid excuse to cash in on unscheduled spondylitis leave. Then head to Goa and drown yourself in Kingfisher beer. When you do return with a hangover, just ensure you wear a neck brace. Your boss will be forced to go easy on you.

2. Flirt jam

So there’s a hot chick in the office but there’s no way you can get her to yourself thanks to all the other despos around. Asking her out would only make her think you’re a pervert (which you are). So the only thing you can do is offer to drop her home – even if she lives in Dombivali. Then sit back in the rick and use the never-ending jam to get to know her better.

3. Mid-week partying

A five-day week is totally unfair but there’s nothing stopping you from mid-week partying. Head out to a stand-up act, karaoke or late night movie. If your boss is cool enough, take her along so she won’t give you grief when you show up late the next day.

4. Bonding over Bollywood

Making small talk with the boss in Mumbai is a little bit better than bonding with the boss in Delhi (political bullsh*t), or Kolkata (more political bullsh*t). Because we live in Mumbai, we can totally ditch boring conversations and make small talk about Sallu’s latest fight with SRK or Ranbir’s latest girlfriend.

5. Mall meetings

Office meeting rooms are boring because they are filled with ugly colleagues you want to punch in the face. So why be stuck in hell when you can use legal means to escape? Mumbai offers a variety of malls with great air conditioning and killer restaurants. Schedule a meeting with a client over a working lunch and spend the rest of the day window-shopping!

About Clyde’s book

Kissing Ass The Art of Office Politics is a non-sloppy guide to surviving and succeeding at the workplace. In it, you will find answers to such critical issues as:

Have you ever wondered what to say to the CEO in the loo? Or how to leave work early or bunk on a Monday?
Or maybe you want to spot the cool guys in the office or are wondering how to cover your ass in an email?

If you’ve been working (as I have) for a number of years, I’m sure you’ve already done some of the above  and played the great game of office politics.

Massaging your boss’ ego

Who to CC and BCC in your emails

How to get away with sex at work

Writing a farewell mail

Clyde D’Souza is the author of Kissing Ass – The Art of Office Politics. He is currently stuck in a traffic jam.

 

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Film

Dear fans, go to hell

A superstar was to speak with fans for his film’s promotion, but he stopped the activity after just two calls.
by M | M@themetrognome.in

This is a true story.

We all grow up idolising that one person we often see on the big screen. He means the world to us. Once glance from him, or if you are lucky, a full second of eye contact, can translate into moments that are cherished for life. Such is the status of most Bollywood stars in India. But some stars just don’t care if they are the centre of their fans’ universe. And when they don’t care, they just don’t care.

Towards the end of 2010, the producers of a film were facing a difficult, but not unusual, task – they had to promote a run-of-the-mill slapstick comedy. The cast comprised a series of nightmares – an out-of-work balding actor with a border-line alcohol addiction; a Superstar with very few scenes in the film (so of course, he refused to promote the film); an actor-turned-producer  of the film (who was the ringmaster of the circus when the film was being shot); two passably average actresses and a seasoned comedian.

The film’s promotions had the usual harebrained marketing strategies backing them. That apart, nobody had thought about how awful it would be to work with this jamboree of ‘stars’. Of the several marketing activities planned around the film’s promotions, one was to get the Superstar (the only decent name in the cast) to talk to his fans. This activity is called Celebrity Voice Chat and is, to put it mildly, a money-making racket.

This is a voice-based activity, where the mobile user calls a given number to speak to a celebrity. The numbers of subscriptions are huge, but not all of them can talk to the celebrity. Thus, the mobile operator selects 10 or 12 subscribers out of a pool of lakhs of hopefuls, who then get a chance to briefly talk to the star. Other subscribers can listen in on their conversation. The crazed fans pay as much as Rs 30 for this slim chance of a lifetime.

Executing this activity was no cake walk. After multiple tantrums and several ego-hassles, complete with games of Chase-the-Manager, the Superstar agreed to do this activity “for his fans”. Finally, the activity date was fixed and the promotions kicked off. Within just three days, lakhs of users had subscribed to talk or just hear their favourite Superstar’s voice. The producers were happy with the film’s promotions, and the mobile operator was laughing all the way to the bank.

On the morning of the activity day, the Superstar who was “doing this for his fans”, decided to call it off. An inane reason – “Today I am shooting and I can’t promote some other film on the sets” – was given for the decision. Mobile users had already paid for participation, and if the mobile operator was unable to get this going, he would face an enquiry by the Telecom Regulatory Authority of India (TRAI).

The producer of the film was called to handle the situation. Begging and pleading, and singing paeans to their friendship, he finally persuaded the Superstar to go through with the activity. The Superstar agreed. Skipping off happily, the team readied for the activity at Mehboob Studio later that afternoon, on the sets of another film.

The clock struck 2 pm, and the calls stared pouring in. But our Superstar was nowhere to be seen.

Subscribers had dialled in and were eagerly waiting to hear his voice. After all, this was the day they would remember for the rest of their lives. This was no ordinary man – and they would hear him in person. But where was He?

At almost a half hour after 2 pm, our Superstar walked out of one of the shooting floors and went straight to his vanity van. 15 minutes later, he was out of his van, but then he wanted to do the activity after he had had his lunch – and to hell with the fans waiting for over an hour on their phones across the country.

After a two-hour delay, the Superstar decided to honour his commitment towards his fans. He took the first call and heard his fans’ jubilant voices – despite the wait – at the other end.  But he cringed and quickly pushed the handset away from his ears. A curt “Hello” was said into the phone and he gestured to the team to drop the call and take the next one. The next caller was a woman, so she got a cursory “How are you?” and “Do watch my upcoming movie,” from him. But the pressure of talking to these excited strangers got to him. He gestured again, this time to say, “Stop the activity”.

Handing over the handset, he walked back to his vanity van and shut the door behind him.

The producers and mobile operator were relieved that he at least spoke to two people; they wouldn’t have to face any legal hassles. The paid subscribers were informed that due to technical difficulties, the activity could not be completed. Subsequently, the movie was a disaster at the box-office.

Moral of the story: For a Superstar, facing two euphoric callers, spending millions of other people’s rupees and disappointing lakhs of fans is all in a day’s work. No Problem!

Sharp as a tack, sitting on more hot scoops than she knows what to do with, M is a media professional with an eye on entertainment. 

 

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Watch

Not happening, mate

Our expectations of Masterchef Australia All Stars were sky-high. But the show is quite unexciting and curiously lacking in flavour.
by The Diarist | thediarist@themetrognome.in

At the outset, let me declare my undying love for Masterchef Australia. I don’t even cook, and I don’t prefer any and every cuisine, but there’s something about watching cactus being cooked and cauliflower being pureed with squid ink on this show that really gets me hooked.

Naturally, I was looking forward to Masterchef Australia All Stars, where selected contestants from the first three seasons of the show would participate in an effort to raise money for their favourite charities. Coming right after the awesome Season Four ended in India last week (on Star World), I confess I expected to be taken on a wild ride from Episode 1 of All Stars. After all, these were people who had done it all before – and two of them were winners – so I really felt that the show would be well worth the interest Masterchef Australia generates in the country.

But, no. Thus far, I have been disappointed, and also very bored with the episodes I’ve seen. There’s some vital ingredient missing from this show, a curious occurrence since its four previous seasons have been total paisa vasool even for non-cooks. Much like the judges’ critique for a dish not up to standard, this season has no zing, no flavour, no inventiveness.

I think the show suffers because none of the participants are ‘characters’, like Alice or Audra from Season 4. Or its flatness could be because it started with team cooking, which I find is not always as exciting as individual pressure tasks. Or it could just be that we’ve seen too much Masterchef Australia this year – there was also Junior Masterchef before Season 4 – and we need a long break from the show.

What do you think of ‘Masterchef Australia All Stars’? Send your opinion to thediarist@themetrognome.in.

 

 

 

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Artful on the iPad

Artist KV Sridhar says his iPad allows him the liberty to finish a 3 x 4 canvas in two hours. Plus, he lists his favourite apps.
By The Diarist | diarist@themetrognome.in

KV Sridhar calls himself ‘an artist by training and an ad man by profession’. The national creative director of Leo Burnett India describes himself on his blog thus: From humble beginnings as a Bollywood film billboard painter to the National Creative Director of Leo Burnett India, Pops (as he is popularly known) has seen it all, and today is widely respected as a creative leader in the Indian ad world.’

When did you decide to create paintings using your iPad?

Some time in March or April 2011, when I started to flirt with the iPad. I stumbled upon some cool drawing apps and I started to explore them out of curiosity, till I found what I wanted. I found the perfect app to create oil on canvas.

What was it like, having completed the first work of art in totality? How different is the experience from painting on paper or a canvas?

Terrific. After the initial experimentation, I settled down to paint seriously and it took me a couple of hours to complete a 3 feet x 4 feet canvas. The iPad is the closest in terms of gratification, because of the touch screen. It is also as if you were painting on a real surface of paper or canvas. Various painting software were available for desktop computers for a very long time, but it kept the serious fine artist away because of the format – you had to draw on a tablet whilst looking at the monitor, and the hand-eye coordination is different from that of painting on paper.

Which app did you use?

After downloading loads of apps, here are the best of best, in my opinion:

– Art Rage: It’s the best for oil on canvas, but also a complete studio with oil, water, pastels and knives with millions of colours.

– Auryn Ink: The best for water colour with a good paper texture, and with wet and dry water trails option.

– SketchBook PRO: Great for random product drawings and sketches.

– Zen Brush: For wet paper Japanese-style work.

– Sketch Club: The Instagram version for sketching artists, and you can share your work with other artists in real time.

-ASKetch: The best for charcoal-like drawings.

– Paper53: Great for freehand drawings or illustrations.

My favorite is Art Rage and it is the best for oil on canvas with a resolution of 2048 x 2048. You can print on canvas at a very high resolution. [On his blog, he describes the use of Art Rage thus: ‘Art Rage gave me a complete studio of 2,000 square feet with innumerable capacity to store canvases both painted and new, hundreds of tubes of colours free with infinite shades, entire sets of hog hair and sable hair brushes, palate and painting knives, rollers etc, all this lifetime supplies for a meagre $7.00.’ (approx Rs 385)]

Can absolutely anybody use the iPad to draw?

Of course anyone can, but if a trained artist does, it shows. There is virtually no difference between digital and real, apart from the colour smells.

How many paintings did you finish?

For my first show, I painted 36 paintings in less then three months. In a normal course of time, painting oil on canvas would have taken me three years, at the very least. The first iPops show was held from June 11 to 30, 2011 at the Scarecrow Gallery (Mumbai).

Why did you decide to hold an exhibition? And how did people respond to it?

My artist friends who saw my work were amazed by the results, and encouraged me to exhibit. I was a bit nervous, since my last one-man show had been way back in 1984, but fortunately I had a great response from the advertising and media industry in general, and the art-buying community, while the conventional artist community put me and my work under close observation. I had done many shows for my conventional paintings from 1978 to 1984, but my iPad paintings only once. Ultimately, I am happy that I sold my work to help the girl child in our country. I sold work close to Rs 5 lakh and donated the proceeds to charity. Interestingly, the money come from friends and well- wishers, rather than hesitant art collectors.

Are you currently working on any new paintings?

iPops: Yes. I am working on a new series called ‘Sisters’. Again, this is to promote two girl children in a family, as it is becoming a rarity to have two daughters these days. Every family wants an ‘ideal’ family with a boy and girl, hence in future we may not see sisters. My attempt is to put focus on this issue. I am planning to have my second iPad painting showing in New Delhi before the end of 2012, and in Colombo and Los Angeles next year.

Meanwhile, check out these new iPad apps if you want to draw, paint, or generally get arty.  

Inspire Pro

 

Genre: Entertainment

Price: $7.99 (approx Rs 442)

Languages: English

Try Inspire Pro and you will quickly see that it is a painting app like no other! The key feature is the simulation of wet oil paint on canvas, allowing amazing blending effects with five real kinds of brushes. Whether you’re a beginner, expert, or somewhere in between, you will enjoy the simplicity and power of Inspire Pro.

Sketchbook Express

Genre: Entertainment

Price: Free

Languages: English, Chinese, French, German, Italian, Japanese, Spanish

Autodesk SketchBook Express for iPad is a fun and intuitive drawing application. Use professional grade tools and brushes to create doodles, quick sketches or artwork on-the-go.

My brushes for iPad

 

Genre: Entertainment

Price: $1.99 (approx Rs 110)

Languages: English, Chinese, French, German, Italian, Dutch, Japanese, Korean, Portuguese, Russian, Spanish, Swedish

MyBrushes is a unique painting application designed to create images and play back the whole painting process. It has 100 kinds of realistic brush styles to simulate the effect of brush painting, water colour painting, oil painting, Chinese painting, drawing, Chinese calligraphy, etc.

Wasabi Paint

 

Genre: Photo and video

Price: $2.99 (approx Rs 165)

Language: English

For  abstract and impressionist artists, Wasabi Paint is an immersive and tactile digital paint experience. Taking a different approach to other painting apps, its hyper-realistic 3D oil paint can be pushed, pulled, smudged, thrown and splashed around. This app is developed to allow an Impasto style of painting, in which thick paint is laid on with a 3D effect.

InkPaint

 

Genre: Entertainment

Price: $3.99 (approx Rs 220)

Language: English

Create beautiful artwork on the go with InkPaint. InkPaint allows new and experienced artists alike to quickly create beautiful cartoons or illustrations through its distinctive four-step work flow – 1) Rough out your drawing in Sketch mode 2) Neatly outline your work in ink 3) Colour your drawing with paint 4) Use the shade tools to add depth.

Draw

 

Genre: Utilities

Price: $0.99 (approx Rs 55)

Languages: English, Chinese, Dutch, French, German, Italian, Japanese, Korean, Portuguese, Russian, Spanish, Swedish

Create amazing art work with Draw. Draw makes drawing fun using innovative tools. Once you complete your work of art, you can edit it, apply effects, stickers, etc and then share it with friends.

Art Studio

 

Genre: Photo & Video

Price: $4.99 (approx Rs 275)

Language: English

ArtStudio is a very comprehensive sketching, painting and photo editing tool. Completely re-designed from the ground up, the new ArtStudio features a beautiful new user interface and a powerful new graphics engine to make creating works of art faster, easier, and more fun.

The Diarist is a tech junkie, and if you’re reading this, chances are you are, too. If you’d like to tell us about something new in tech, write to thediarist@themetrognome.in.

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‘Book distribution is tougher than film distribution’

Author Naomi Datta gets candid about the business side of book-writing, and the things authors and publishers don’t normally discuss.
by Vrushali Lad | vrushali@themetrognome.in

Naomi Datta is funny and fresh, constantly peppering her comments on writing and getting noticed for her first book, with a healthy dose of self-deprecating humour. We’re sitting at a suburban cafe and all I’ve told her about the interview is that I want to know about how she came to write her first book and the progress she’s making on her second. Her first, The 6 pm slot, was a no-holds barred look into television and dealing with its ecstasies and agonies, all in the back drop of a reality show featuring a hot host.

“I’m not making much progress on the second book,” she grins, only revealing that her next offering is a non-fiction work. “I don’t want it to be just another book. In India, we’re always labelling fiction – it’s either literary or commercial fiction. My first book immediately got slotted as a work of commercial fiction, and unfortunately, such books are not taken too seriously. Our idea of literary fiction is to write about really serious themes, such as NRIs and their existential crises, or a war situation in some obscure part of the world. Everything else is commercial fiction which is not to be taken seriously.”

She adds that it is very easy to be published today, in what she cheekily terms as the post-Chetan Bhagat era. “Before he wrote about call centres and IITs, it was a very big deal to be published. If you had a book coming out, people knew about your book and you, even if they hadn’t read it. But Chetan wrote about Indian issues, things we could understand and relate to. And then so many young Indian authors had books coming out after Chetan and Amish Tripathi’s books. My book would probably not have been published in the earlier, staid market. There was no way anyone would publish an Indian book that didn’t have angst, which did not have an international appeal, and which was about television. So I guess Chetan has made it very easy to get published today.”

But she admits that it is that much more difficult to stand out in the crowd of new authors today, especially because commercial fiction in India tends to take the ‘FMCG mould of writing,’ as she puts it. She says, “With writing that is not always of great quality, commercial fiction today is trying to be as ‘massy’ as possible, catering to the lowest common denominator. The use of satire and irony may not appeal to everyone. Which creates a problem for writers like me, who do well with satire.”

Despite The 6 pm Slot being reviewed and written about extensively, and with Naomi being interviewed by all and sundry, the book garnered only about 10,000 copies in sales, she says. “The marketing of the book was great – we had a launch at Crossword and it was all well done. Also, Random House took a lot of effort on the manuscript – about six months were spent in editing and proofing alone. But because of the cover, people thought it was chick lit. I have nothing against chick lit if it’s written well. But my book wasn’t about a girl trying to lose weight or a woman looking for the right man; it wasn’t about women’s issues.” She adds that several readers thought that the protagonist of the book (Tanya) was ‘not very proactive’. “But she wasn’t the protagonist at all. I guess people wanted her to be a ‘heroine’, but the book was about everyday people like you and me, and what we would do if put in the same situations.”

But a bigger issue than formulaic writing and readers’ usual expectations from plot and language, Naomi says, is the problem of book distribution and how it is being handled in the country.

“I think book distribution is more difficult than film distribution in India. When my book was launched, everyone spoke about it, but barely two weeks later, there were hardly any copies to pick up at any of the book stores. Other authors have also told me about this problem. May be one or two copies of your book would be tucked away in some remote corner of stores. If people can’t see it, why will they buy it?” She laughs as she recalls that she would send out Flipkart links for her book to friends and others wishing to buy it. “I even had a list which told me which stores had how many copies of my book at the moment: Two in one, five in the next, and so on!”

She cites Chetan Bhagat and Amish Tripathi again in the context of cracking the distribution puzzle. “Their publishers flood the market with their books, with the result that Chetan’s books are sold even in the country’s small towns. But not every body has that kind of reach, nor such phenomenal print runs, so a lot of debut authors are having to make the effort to market their own books themselves.”

Naomi adds that these days, with so many books flooding the market each month, authors may have to enlist the help of a good PR machinery and use social networking as much they can. “When I was writing my book, I had only about 90 followers on Twitter. Today I have over 4,000, and I wish I had harnessed Twitter to create a buzz about my book.” Naomi tweets daily and often updates her Facebook status messages. “But I think that social networking is also distracting authors today, because we are constantly tweeting and spending time on FB, when we should be investing time in writing our novels. So while it’s great for an author to be connected to many people, it can also affect your output as a writer.”

About The 6 pm Slot

Tania has a dream job as supervising producer at YTV, a leading entertainment channel. But things are not what they seem – YTV’s ratings and fortunes are dipping, and Tania is the one assigned to resurrect the 6 pm slot with a new talk show and a scantily clad host. But when a dying girl calls on the show, the fun and games come to a screeching halt and it gives Rajneesh Tiwari, the demi god of Indian news television, one of his most explosive ‘human interest’ stories of the year. Will life ever be the same for Tania or anyone involved in the doomed 6 pm slot?

The idea for the story came from Naomi’s real-life experience of putting together a show for a popular music channel. The programme was to feature a busty, seriously sexy female host, but two weeks before shooting began, the femme fatale developed chicken pox. “She had marks all over the famous cleavage that we wanted to flaunt, and the biggest issue was that she couldn’t wax her arms or legs. I was the only woman in a roomful of men to bring up the matter of the girl’s inability to wax. They said things like, ‘But what about Anne French?’ Someone else suggested shaving. When I thought about it later, it seemed really funny and bizarre. My friends suggested I should write it down as a story. When I took a break from television last year, this was the story I started to write,” Naomi remembers. The story was written in four months.

 

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