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“I’m a storyteller, not a writer…”

Author Jeffrey Archer was at his witty best at the launch of the third book in his Clifton Chronicles series. Instead of five books, the series will have seven!
by Vrushali Lad | vrushali@themetrognome.in

That Jeffrey Archer is a gifted writer is a given. But that Jeffrey Archer is also a gifted public speaker is a fact one has to be present for to believe. At the launch of the third book – Best Kept Secret – in his Clifton Chronicles series at Andheri’s Landmark book store, Archer was in fine form, taking questions, deftly deflecting uncomfortable ones, deriding the audience when he felt they weren’t paying attention, and explaining what he felt was the crux of the film Lagaan.

In between, he also spoke about the book publishing industry, his Clifton Chronicles series, and in the end, signed copies of his newest book for a really long line of admirers.

Speaking on the importance of brevity, even while keeping the simplicity and beauty of a story intact, Archer said, “It is possible to write a very very short story in 100 words. And if you try it, you can write one in 100 words exactly – not 101, not 99, but 100 words. Write such a story before you write your novel,” he advised, after taking the audience through a 100-word short story he wrote years ago as part of a challenge that the Reader’s Digest had set him years ago. (See video below).

 

Talking about his newest book, and the Clifton Chronicles in general, Archer said, “The series was supposed to be three books. The first was Only Time Will Tell, the second was The Sins Of The Father, and the third is Best Kept Secret. In the first book, Harry Clifton (the story’s protagonist) was just 19 years old, and by the end of Book 3, he is just 35. To end the series here, I would have to bump him off at 35 years of age, so I decided there would be another book. I am now working on the first draft of Book 4, and by the end of it, Harry will only be 40 years old.

So I decided that there could be a fifth book. But, and this is hot from the Press, it’s probably going to be seven books. I got that one wrong, didn’t I?”

Speaking on the future of the book publishing industry, Archer said, “The e-book revolution is still to hit India. I own a Kindle, but I do feel that there’s quite like having a book to hold. But soon, there may be a time when people will buy e-books and not hard or soft covers. My book Kane And Abel was sold as an e-book for 20p only. The third Clifton Chronicles book will be sold for £8.25, while the hardcover costs £20. Naturally, people are going to go for the cheaper option. Do you understand what is being done? They’re only interested in selling their tablets – they got us to buy the tablet so we would buy e-books! And yet, though Kane And Abel sold for just 20p, as the author I still get £3 royalty per sale, so that’s an interesting dimension. But it’s a worrying development.”

Archer also fielded questions from the audience, and several of his replies evoked loud laughs:

Which of your books would you like to see filmed?

They’re currently filming Paths of Glory, (a story which claims that an Englishman was the first to scale Mount Everest). But since it’s Columbia Pictures and Hollywood, it’s called Everest. (makes face)

If there was ever a film made on your life, who do you think should play you?

(considers) I hear Brad Pitt is already vying for the role. But I would rather have Tom Cruise play me. Let them fight it out.

If you had to play a character from your books on screen, which one would it be?

Harry (from the Clifton Chronicles series).

In Book 3, you’ve based a relationship on incest, which we find really strange in India. What were your thoughts when you were writing about this?

The whole point of a story is that you must read further to know what happens. I knew where I was going with Harry, Emma and Giles. And there’s a bigger problem coming up in Book 4.

Do you think you missed out on a different life because you became a writer? What if politics had worked for you, would you still be in politics?

You know, Proust said, “We all end up doing the thing we are second best at.” Everything went wrong in my life when I was 34. I lost a lot of money and I owed a lot of money. That was when I wrote my first book Not A Penny More, Not A Penny Less. And now you have 16 novels from me, because of one mistake I made so many years ago! But if politics had worked for me, yes I would still be in it.

When are we going to read a Jeffrey Archer cricket story, or have a cricket protagonist in your book?

I wouldn’t be writing a cricket book. Yes, I love cricket with all my heart. But my audience primarily comes from America, and they don’t a clue about cricket! They’re quite stupid, aren’t they? So no, no cricket books from me. But I did watch and enjoy Lagaan, though the dancing was terrible. But watching that film as a storyteller, I thought that the beauty of the story was that there wouldn’t have been a Lagaan if the umpires had cheated.

What do you think about 20:20 cricket?

As far as I’m concerned, 20:20 is rubbish. A test match is VVS Laxman and Rahul Dravid playing the entire day. 20:20 cricket can go to hell.

Did you take formal training to be a writer?

No, I never did. I am well-educated, and my wife is certainly more educated than me. I’ve lived with her for 40 years, so I’ve learnt a lot from her. But I’m a storyteller, not a writer.

How do you know if what you’ve written is good?

You don’t. If you’ll take my advice, you won’t show your writing to these people: your husband, your wife and your lover. They will all lie. If you want to know if your writing’s good, show it to someone who has never met you. You’ll get the truth then.

You need the hear the truth in this business, at every stage of your career. Recently, I was in Dubai for a book launch, and two beautiful children came up to me, a boy and a girl. The boy asked me, ‘Are you an English writer?’ I said, ‘Yes’. He asked me, ‘Are you Enid Blyton?’ I said, ‘No’. He asked, ‘Are you Roald Dahl?’ I said, ‘No.’ Then he asked, ‘Then why are you here?’

Have you ever read Indian authors? Who’s your favourite?

I have read Indian authors, yes, and I am going to say this quite carefully. I think you have an author who is far superior to the sacred cows of Indian writing – RK Narayan is the real thing, he’s wonderful. I prefer him to your sacred cows, and I think you know who I am referring to.

They tell me more Indians are writing books than anybody else in the world. But remember, and these are scary numbers: For every 1,000 books sent to publishers, only one is published. For every 10,000 books published, only one makes it to the bestsellers’ lists. And for every 1,000 books on the bestsellers’ lists, only one makes it to #1. The odds are against you, but that must not stop you from going ahead and writing. There are always surprises. (Watch Archer taking questions in the video below)

 

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Overdose

Iss English ki toh…

Jatin Sharma takes up the cudgels on behalf of the non-English speakers, wondering why we’ve become lingual terrorists against them.

“Oh , he is such an idiot, doesn’t even know English.”

“Do you know she just said, ‘I don’t riks my life’?”

“His English grammar is pathetic.”

These are some lovely lines that have fallen on my ears time and time again. In fact, once while I was at a production house to meet a friend, waiting for the lift to arrive, I heard someone shouting. It was a woman, about 30 years old, and she was talking, no, shouting at someone over her phone. Since my lift hadn’t arrived yet, I took the chance to listen in on this screaming person.

What I heard shocked me. The girl was yelling at her mother for coming to her birthday party to surprise her, because the girl was embarrassed. Why? Because her  mother couldn’t speak English. The girl felt really bad when her mother tried to speak English in her front of her friends, and failed with a line. She felt even worse when her friends laughed.

Before hanging up the phone, the girl said, “You are such an embarassement, mom. Learn English.”

My lift arrived. As I entered it, I began to wonder: why would someone feel elated or dumb, happy or sad, secure or insecure in this world only on the basis of them (or somebody else) knowing or not knowing how to speak English? Since when, and why, has English become so important, that we have started judging people on the basis of the language they speak? Why has the world forgotten to dwell on the importance of good thought?

Language, as I know it, is a tool to express and understand your thoughts. It doesn’t matter whether it is Hindi, Gujarati, Urdu, Punjabi, Marathi, English, French, Italian or Pashto. No doubt that English is what most of the people in the world speak today, but judging other people and their talent on the basis of their fluency in English is just ridiculous. You can rejoice if someone’s English is extraordinary, but making fun of people who don’t know English is just demeaning them.

rickshawwallah from Benaras once told me, “Angrez chale gaye, angrezi chhod gaye! Pehle angrez ke ghulam the, aaj angrezi ke ghulam ban rahe hain (the English have gone, but they have left English behind! Englishmen ruled us, and now English is making us its slaves.)” He was very happy that he cared for people more than the language they spoke. I asked him about his education. He said that he never attended school, but that he is still literate because he knows not to judge people.

Angrezi bolne se koi vidvaan nahin banta, Shiva ko angrezi thode hi aati thi! (Nobody is intelligent because they can speak English, did Lord Shiva speak English?)” he said. I knew I was going to remember these words for a lifetime.

We judge each other on the basis of how well we speak English, and we are brazen enough to laugh at people who don’t speak it well. Has anyone realised that English is a foreign language? It became a world language only because of the British man’s rule all over the world. They made slaves out of other people and became rich by looting and plundering. So there’s nothing to feel proud of if you speak their language well.

And if you think that the British can speak English well because they are British, think again. I once met a girl in India – she was from England – and when I read her diary, the first thing I noticed was that she couldn’t even spell the word ‘sympathetic’. I laughed in my head; if she had been Indian, I would have just pointed at her and laughed aloud, making her feel really stupid about not knowing how to spell an English word.

Let a language be a language. Don’t make it a tool to judge a person. We are Indians, we are doing great in the world. Our culture is already awesome, packed as it is with so many languages. We have Sanskrit, which is forgotten in our country but which is becoming really popular in Germany. We have the Vedas, and we are the fathers of yoga, which is a phenomenon all over the world.

So what I’m trying to say is, it’s okay if Indians behave like Indians. Why try to turn them into Englishmen and Americans?

And while we’re on the subject, I want to point out that the English language itself has some fundamental flaws of pronunciation. I still don’t know how you can have a ‘p’ at the start of a word and say it is silent. I still haven’t figured out why certain words have similar spellings and completely different pronunciations. Also, why is the word ‘the’ pronounced differently in two different situations? And why did the British change the names of our cities; are these names so difficult to pronounce? I can say Kolkata and Calcutta equally well, so why can’t they?

A language, its writing and its pronunciation, must have a science driving it. Hindi has a science backing its words. Sanskrit is a flawless language, the main reason why the Germans are planning to programme their computers with it, because it has no errors.

Again, look at the French and how proud they are of their language. You don’t find them laughing at their own countrymen for not knowing English. Look at the Chinese; the Premier of their country takes a translator along on his trips and tells the world that he is a proud Chinese.

Yes, English is required for progress. But we have to be supportive of those who can’t speak English and who prefer to speak in Indian languages. No language is more superior than another. Languages are meant to connect hearts and minds. So don’t become a lingual terrorist, hating people left, right and centre just because they are incapable of speaking English. Listen to their thoughts and not their words. And while you’re doing so, take pride in yourself, rather than the person you are trying to be.

Jatin Sharma is a media professional who doesn’t want to grow up, because he believes that if he grows up, he will be like everybody else.

(Picture courtesy ascentinstitute.org)

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Learn

A ‘pass’able attempt at extortion

Group of five pose as Income Tax officers to extort Rs 1,00,000 by telling firm to buy 1,000 programme passes.
by The Editors | editor@themetrognome.in

Did you think that posing as Income Tax officials, as shown in the film Special 26, was a bit of a clever idea for extortion and stealing? So did a group of five men recently arrested by the RAK Marg police station.

Three days ago, the office of Ashapura Garment Ltd. at Navyug Industrial Estate, Sewri, received a phone call from a person who identified himself as SK Mishra, an Income Tax officer. “He said that the Income Tax department had organised a programme at Ravindra Natya Mandir on March 22, and for which our company would have to purchase 100 passes of Rs 1,000 each,” said Pravin Bheda, the company’s marketing manager who received the call. Pravin told his boss, Bharatbhai, about the call and the latter inquired with Ravindra Natya Mandir about the supposed programme.

No such programme was listed in Ravindra Natya Mandir’s schedule. Meanwhile, Bharatbhai instructed Pravin to buy some time from the Income Tax ‘officer’ by telling him that they would buy 11 passes. “But when he (Mishra) called again and when I told him that we would buy 11 passes, he got really angry and said that we would have to buy all 100 passes or our company could face action from the Income Tax department,” Pravin told the RAK Marg cops.

Bharatbhai lodged a complaint with the RAK Marg police station when two men, posing as Income Tax officers, barged into the firm’s office and demanded that they buy 100 passes in cash immediately. “I was scared, but I fobbed them off saying that my boss was not in office and that I had only Rs 6,000 with me, from which I bought six passes,” Pravin said. Meanwhile, RAK Marg cops decided to be present at the premises the next day.

About five plainclothesmen were stationed inside and outside the company’s office the next day, when the duo visited again with two more accomplices to collect payment for the remaining 94 passes. When told that the company could not afford to buy more than 11 passes in all, they got abusive and threatened the company with serious consequences, such as an Income Tax raid. On a signal from Bharatbhai, the cops entered the office and nabbed the four men.

Their ‘senior officer’ was also nabbed from a taxi waiting outside. The programme passes were also seized from them.

The five men have been identified as Chandrakant Bhat (age 43 years), Narendra Soni (48), Harshad Bhat (38), Nayanbhai Shah (55) and Bharatbhai Shah (58). The police are questioning them on their modus operandi and looking into possible past cases of extortion linked to this gang.

(Picture courtesy centralchronicle.com)

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Kharcha paani

Proposed Mumbai-Delhi corridor meets farmers’ agitation

The process of acquisition of farming land for the proposed Mumbai-Delhi industrial corridor is currently seeing agitation from 10 States.

The Maharashtra Industrial Development Corporation (MIDC) is facing stiff opposition from farmers in Maharashtra. And the reason is the proposed Mumbai-Delhi industrial corridor.

Currently, farmers and activists from 10 States in the country are up in arms against the proposed corridor, for which land is being acquired from farmers. Yesterday, the agitation reached Khandesh after crossing Konkan.

As per the NAPM, under whose direction the agitation is taking place, the yatris started off on foot from Karla SEZ area (Lonavla) late at night to reach Malegaon in the morning, where they were welcomed by their comrades from Rashtriya Seva Dal. The first halt of the yatra was at Jodge, where 3,600 hectares of land of five villages have been given notice under the Maharashtra Industrial Development Act (MIDA).

“A population of 30,000 villagers in Jodge, Jayuk, Chicharovar, Sayane BK and Sayane SH villages have been given notice. The villagers have rejected the entire project. They say that they are against forceful acquisition of land without a stated reason and without the consent of gram sabhas under MIDA, especially since MIDA already has possession of prior acquired land,” an NAPM spokesperson said. The yatra is said to have then reached Dhule city after giving support to the struggle of these people, and promising to connect their struggle to the one underway at the national level.

Shyam Patil, a Dhule resident and agitator, said of the Dhule-Nardana Industrial Area, “The MIDC has completed the formalities under clause 32 (1) and (2) for acquisition of 634 hectares of land in Malich, Gorne, Baghode, Menane and other villagers, despite a textile industrial area already in function in the region.”

Suresh Desle of Maliv village said, “The people who had lost their land earlier are yet to get their due, and now fresh notices have been give out to villages with dual crop farmland. I had discussed the gram sabha’s proposal in this regard not only with the Collector, but also with the Secretary and Minister. However, no conclusion has been reached till date, and the sword of acquisition still hovers over their heads.” He added that a small committee had also been formed with the support of local farmers there.

The next meeting was at Sonegaon, with the gram panchayat and villagers. While the land there is also under threat under the Dhule-Bardhana Industrial Area, the process of acquisition hasn’t begun yet. The people there allege that the collector has given away 43 acres of land, which belongs to to the gram panchayat, to the Dhule-Itarsi Wiring Company without any legal investigation or gram sabha consent.

“A frightening image of MIDC is evident at every step. 17 lakh acres of land have been acquired for industrial purposes in Maharashtra, from the Konkan, Marathwada and Khandesh to Vidarbha in the last 50 years. People across different regions have expressed their anger at MIDC, and are all set to intensify their protest,” the NAPM spokesperson said.

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Enough said

Not part of the sham

Humra Quraishi refuses to say the words ‘Happy Women’s Day’ until the country’s realities undergo a change for the better.

Should I start this column with a formal greeting – Happy Women’s Day! – or should I bluntly say that I wouldn’t greet anyone this way, because I detest formalities that reek of hypocrisy? I have never believed in saying fashionable sentences for anyone’s sake.

And besides, of what use is this statement when the condition of women and children and even young men in this country is pathetic? It would be best if those manning big commissions and Government ministries went beyond speeches or elaborate tea sessions, merely to issue a statement. Instead, they should take the rounds of prison cells where women are lodged and detained, pushed to the wall. If policewallahs in Punjab can publicly thrash women on the road, I can well imagine what must go on behind closed doors!

No, I don’t want to parrot oft-repeated statements from the comfort and privacy of my home and office, being part of the multitude that participates in the Women’s Day sham. What are we doing about our country’s serious realities? And for how long are we going to pretend that those oppressed and troubled will not strike back?

Humans are made of emotions, flesh, blood and they take affirmative action. If oppressed for long, they are bound to react, as history has shown us time and time again. And in the current scenario, people are bound to react to State terror. In fact, in his enthusiasm to give speeches, Home Minister Sushil Kumar Shinde often forgets to mention that with those other ‘terrors’ he speaks about, there’s also something called State terror. And this State terror is the most lethal of all, for it has no limits. It kills innocents, it targets women and children. And it works all the time – even on Women’s Day and Children’s Day and Human Rights Day!

(Picture courtesy AP)

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Learn

Governor’s wife wants all-women police stations

After the Government’s announcement of an all-women nationalised bank in the country, the State Governor’s wife wants all-women police stations.

This is getting serious. In the Budget announced last month by Finance Minister P Chidambaram, there was an announcement for an all-woman nationalised bank to be launched later this year. Apart from that announcement, Chidambaram had laid heavy emphasis on women’s safety and security in the light of growing crimes against them.

Today, on the occasion of Women’s Day, a prominent woman – in fact, the wife of the State’s First Citizen, the Governor – expressed a desire for all-women police stations in Maharashtra and the country. Radha Sankaranarayan wished for a more sensitised police force and Courts, and in this connection, she said, “Opening of all-women police stations will give confidence to women to come forward and report crimes against them.”

She was speaking at a seminar on ‘Time for action to end violence against women’ organised by the United Nations Population Fund in association with the Department of Public Health, Government of Maharashtra, at Sahyadri State Guest House in Mumbai. She said, “As a woman, as a mother and as a grandmother, I feel sad, angry and at the same time helpless when I read reports of incidents of violence against women, sexual assault on small girls and even on toddlers. In some cases, the trauma of the victim ends with death. I feel benumbed.”

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