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Published on September 21st, 2015

7

My son doesn’t want me to marry again

Hirendra Sampat is 64, divorced and wants to get married. But his son doesn’t approve. What is to be done?
As told to Vrushali Lad

He says he is ’embarassed’ that I am thinking of ‘such horrible things’ at my age. He says he will leave me and never come back to check on me if I insist on doing what I wish to do. Even my daughter-in-law has been giving me strange looks for a few days now. They think I am being perverted, obscene.

I want to get married.

My wife and I parted ways after 15 years of marriage. We parted amicably – a few months after we were married, she told me that she had been in love with somebody else. I had been, too. My parents had opposed my affair with a girl from college. So in that sense, both my wife and I were in the same boat. We were married to each other because our parents wished it so. But though we were never completely happy with each other, we were never cold or cruel to each other. She managed the home well, I earned enough money for our family. We had a son after two years of marriage.

Then one day she decided to separate from me. I did not stop her. I think my son holds that against me, that I allowed the divorce to go through. Though I got custody of my son, I never stopped my wife from visiting us often, she was even welcome to come and stay whenever she felt like it. She now lives in Bangalore with her sister.

In the last two years, I met a lady at the local library where I have been a member for over 20 years. I had never seen her before, though I learnt later that she was also a member for many years. She and I were looking for a copy of the same book that had not yet been returned. We started talking to each other, exchanging notes on the books we had come to return that day. I asked her when she came to the library, she said, ‘Every Monday, if possible’. The next Monday I went to the library again. And every Monday after that.

She is a wonderful person – outgoing, warm, unattached. We share a common love for books and gardening. I want to get married to her, so I proposed and she said yes. But when I told my son this, all hell broke loose at home.

“How can you think of all these things at your age?” he asked. “Everybody will laugh. Are you so young that you think you will get married at this age?” He is disgusted that I am thinking of having sex at my age and bringing a woman into the house.

It has been three months since I told him about my plans. My fiancee says, “Be patient. He will come around.” I worry that he won’t. His life is set with a wife and small child. It does not occur to him that I need a companion, too.

‘Grey Space’ is a weekly column on senior citizen issues. If you have an anecdote or leagl information, or anything you feel is useful to senior citizens, caregives and the society at large, feel free to get it published in this space. Write to editor@themetrognome.in or on Facebook at www.facebook.com/Themetrognome.in and we will publish your account.

(Picture courtesy www.oratechsolve.com. Image is used for representational purpose only)

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7 Responses to My son doesn’t want me to marry again

  1. sunita says:

    Uncle ji, go ahead with your plans, you don’t need to worry about what they think.

  2. Bhadra mehta says:

    Every person craves for companionship generally speaking.How lovely to find a companion with similar interests and to seal that bond with marriage to be able to be with each other constantly.

  3. Disha B says:

    It is so wonderful to hear that you continued the pursuit of love and have found a companion. I hope that your son understands your perspective and supports you in your decision. It is great that you want to commit to someone and he should be happy and supportive of your decision. I fail to understand why he wouldn’t want you to be happy.

    You should go ahead and take charge of your life and not worry about what other people think. You are old and mature enough to make your own decisions and live at your own terms. If your son is not able to share your happiness then it is a real pity.

    I wish for you good luck, courage and lots of happiness!

  4. rani says:

    It could be that ur son might be insecure as his new mother would automatically be heir of his father’s money. Please think from that POV before getting hitched.

    If u really believe that she is genuinely selfless and not after money, try to make ur son understand that.

    If ur ex-wife is supportive and involve her in convincing ur son. Is he aware of ur history with ur x-wife.

    I am happy that u care for ur’s opinions and are waiting for him to approve his new mother happily. It shows why u r a father and he is son just like any other stubborn kid of any age.

  5. Charmi says:

    your son is a selfish pig. He should want you to be happy not care about society the bis but care about you and your happiness

  6. Shobha Mathur says:

    I am glad you have found someone wonderful , Congratulations.
    I understand your concerns re your son’s opinion.
    Suggestions from Rani are really valid.
    Can you establish your own home in case of total breakup? If all your money is self made you have full right to it to it and maybe hint that he will be left out in your will.
    There are many cases where children only want their parents as perpetual ATMs. Ask yourself if you are willing to be that.
    In your youth you to listened to your parents and now you want to listen to your kids?
    How important your own happiness is to you only you can decide.
    Buck up.

  7. Amas says:

    Marriage is not just for sex but more of companionship especially when one is considered a senior citizen. Your son has not right to interfere with your life after all you are single now. At 64, you should not be deprived of any sexual love.

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